these legs are tired

wasn’t my turn.  not this time.  not today.  and i’m sorry. i feel like i’m letting you all down. it’s bad enough letting myself down, and husband and son. and while i appreciate so much all the love and support you all give me, at the same time it almost makes it harder to tell you when things go badly.  the mounting anticipation heightens the excitement and then, like clockwork, i steal the wind right from your sails.

people tell me i’m brave to share this heartbreaking journey with everyone.  i felt brave when i started it. it was liberating to feel the weight of this “secret” rise up off my shoulders. i felt like the more i talked about it, and refused to let it control my life, in some way i controlled IT. i was the boss. but now i just feel selfish.  like i am take take taking and giving back nothing useful in return.  and clearly i’m not in control.

so i apologize. i feel like i need to. month after month. on what seems like an endless footrace that leads nowhere. and though i keep running i am stuck in one place, legs spinning in circles, watching everyone pass me by. 26 months and still going strong. who am i fooling. strong is the farthest thing from what i am feeling today. these legs are tired.

time

time. it’s seriously dragging.

i hate the two week wait. all the excitement leading up to the IUI and now that the confetti has fallen and settled i am stuck in time. i stare at the calendar. the clock. so thankful that every time i go to bed i’m THAT much closer.

i hate that my life is measured in two week intervals. all right! period! wait two weeks. all right! ovulation/IUI/IVF!  wait two weeks. well GDit, period.  wait two weeks. etcetera. etcetera.

this has been my life for over 2 years now. two week waits. 52 two week waits. that is really depressing. putting that down on paper.

so how am i passing the time?

being a psycho of course! conducting an experiment. as time is ever-so-cruelly testing my patience, i am testing out the trigger shot. to recap, 8 days ago i stabbed myself with some HCG, a “trigger shot” to ensure my body would gear up to correctly ovulate on time. it’s never a guarantee, but it’s the closest thing we have known to magicians.  well, that HCG trigger shot is HCG, the hormone detected in your pee that lights up the pee sticks if you’re pregnant. so i injected myself with it, and starting peeing on sticks the very next day. every day i pee on a stick. i told you i had a problem.  theoretically, i should be getting positive pregnancy tests from that day until the day when my body has metabolized all the HCG, in which case, the pee stick would only have 1 line, not 2 (read: you’re not actually pregnant you psycho, it was just the trigger).  When I did my IVF cycle it took 14 days for the trigger shot to be out of my system. this time, for the IUI, my trigger shot was 1/4 the strength of that IVF trigger shot. so in my head, i think… well, 1/4 of 14 is 3.5 days. right?

well, not exactly. math doesn’t always apply to your carbon-based body.  there are things like half-lifes, and hydration status, and time of pee to take into account, way too many science-y variables.

since i’m no scientist, and fully admitting my pee stick addiction, i shall continue to carry out my experiment in hopes that the 2nd line fades away only to return with gusto.

it’s now been 7 days post-trigger shot. i can estimate i am 6dpo (days post-ovulation). there is seriously no chance in hell anyone gets a positive pregnancy test this early. it’s like scientifically impossible. but i can’t stop staring at today’s test (4/15) and thinking “is that line darker than yesterday’s???” yes people, i am fully owning the crazy. so i continue to wait for time to hurry up already. the next couple of days will be telling.

put on your pee-stick glasses people…

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salmon, of all things

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aaaaaaand we’re off! we officially had the IUI done, thursday actually.  nothing like a turkey basting first thing in the morning to wake you up. in actuality, i had worked alllllll night long so it was a perfect finish to an otherwise hellacious shift. magician was VERY excited to see three gorgeous follies still in place, and they had grown beautifully. THREE mature ones! he actually smiled. 2 on the right and 1 on the left.  (you can see them on the ultrasound picture, right above my tiny baby jesus good luck charm.)

magician smiled AGAIN after amazing husband contributed his, er, gift. there is a minimum requirement, if you will, to be able to proceed with turkey basting. 10 million guys “post-wash”.  magician would’ve fist pumped over our 67 million, but i’m pretty sure his quiet asian persona wouldn’t allow it. instead, he smiled. i’ll take that smile any day. and after a date with the dildo cam, to measure uterine lining, he smiled AGAIN AND AGAIN.

here is baby jesus blessing the dildo cam. because, why not.

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IUI went off without a hitch, legs up for 10 min (okay 15 because i’m extra-nervous), and see you in 2 weeks he says. things could not have looked better. squee!

and then things got weird.

magician, in his moment of happiness and pride, told us he recently took an Alaskan vacation and that we should really look into doing it. okay… we’ll look right into that. huh? then he tells us that on said vacation, he took a small plane to a salmon fishery and what he witnessed there blew his magical mind.  okay, now i’m intrigued… continue… he dives right in to how he essentially witnessed salmon IVF.

i’m sorry, come again? 

apparently these male salmon were belly-sliced from mouth to tail and their, er, contribution squeezed out into a 10 gallon bucket from Costco or something. and then the same for the female salmon: slice, squeeze, eggs in the bucket. and then with a giant paddle (think row boat) and a few swift stirs, new baby salmon were soon created.  as he talked, he eyes grew wide with excitement. he was like a kid in a candy shop, if by candy we meant fish sperm. the funniest (?) part was the degree to which he was impressed by the quantity of the male salmon’s donation, per se. he used the term “incredible” at least 17 times while describing it. let’s be honest, this might have been the most bizarre story and yet it was hilarious, especially in the context of our turkey basting experience. we all laughed for bit, and as he left the room i could hear him muttering “incredible” over and over.

so start the clock! i’m officially peeing on all the sticks starting next sunday. and now i’m off to find a good salmon recipe.

Posted in IUI

where is the universe?

i want to slap her.

sometimes when you are wanting something so badly, putting all your energy into it, you make yourself believe all that work will pay off. you convince yourself it WILL work. it HAS to. because you are giving 150%. because, well, science. and because, for god’s sake, you’e been in this situation 18283767653 times and based on sheer numbers, ONE of these times the odds must be in your favor, right?

nope.

once again i am reminded the universe is a sick and twisted bitch who’s sole purpose in her existence is to watch me give my 150%, invest my hopes and dreams while pretending it’s no big deal guys, only to slap me in the face with a stark white pee stick and laugh maniacally. month. SLAP. after. month. SLAP. rinse. repeat. i imagine she is super fertile too. of course she would be. because, universe.

she sucks.

not pregnant. that’s what i am today. SLAP. i get to add “failed iui” to my infertility belt now. yay! what a joke. so now i pick myself up off the ground, ice my stinging cheek, and try to tell myself that insanity is NOT doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. who’s with me? anyone?

hey 2015, you were supposed to be my year, remember? get your sh*t together already. i am unimpressed with your poor showing so far.

as for my perspective, it’s still there. i’m not a heaping pile of tears today. which is an improvement. even on a small level. instead i’m angry. if you see the universe, you tell her i’m looking for her.

houston, we have lift off

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and that’s it folks. mission accomplished today.

what strikes me as strange is after going through the extensive process of IVF this IUI process felt like a quick warm up, a little jog around the block. a test flight. a few shots here… a few ultrasounds there… and a quick 10 minute turkey basting and BOOM, see you in 2 weeks. that was pretty damn easy. and much less stressful if i do say so myself.

magician took a look at everything beforehand… Gigantor horse was a no-show. gone. MIA. arrivederci. now the biggest follie on the left was 12mm,… Houston, we had ovulation. Righty’s biggest follie had measured 13-ishmm on Saturday, which should be 17ish today and that too was nowhere to be found. HOUSTON…do you copy? we have ovulated TWO eggs. wait, i thought we didn’t want to ovulate yet?? magician said it’s a-ok, IUI is effective just after ovulation, within 6 hours. he was happy so i was happy. but holy hell people, TWO! two of them. i’m floored. i started to think this trick might have actually worked.

so now we have lift off. i get to spend the next 2 weeks in orbit, circling the world of what ifs. trying not to get my hopes up, not to allow my feet to leave the ground. after all, this was more a crapshoot than IVF 1.0. far too often my hopes are dashed, the rug is pulled out from beneath me almost as fast as it was placed there. and i can’t handle any more of that. so for now i will remain glued to the ground until told otherwise.

plans are for fools

i’m feeling so many different emotions this time around. surprisingly, disappointment isn’t one of them. i thought i’d be more upset that our plan for IVF 2.0 was cancelled. but i’m not. i think i’m actually relieved because it had such a craptastic start i wanted a do-over. and when given the chance to convert to IUI i thought i’d be excited for a second-chance… but what i’m really feeling is, well, meh. i’m not excited. i’m actually already thinking about next month and how 2.0 will eventually play out. isn’t that messed up? it’s like i’ve already accepted this won’t work. my brain is such a jerk. can’t even donate one iota of positivity for this IUI. speaking of IUI…

so i saw magician yesterday in a panic because i thought i had somehow “missed” my hormone surge indicating ovulation was coming (read: pretty sure i had f*cked everything up). i had been testing for ovulation twice a day and never getting a positive test. and all the regular signs of ovulation had disappeared (i won’t go into TMI detail here). i felt the wind leave my sails. if this was the case, if i had somehow ovulated already, IUI would be useless come next week and i’d have spent an extra almost $2,000 on nothing. which would totally be my luck. thankfully he got me into the office quickly and did an ultrasound to check it out.

my body was playing a nasty trick on me, Gigantor horse was still there! magician sort of side-eyed me for being so unsure of missing O. knock it off dude. i know my body. and something was off. but even more amazing was that 2-3 more horses appeared to be catching Gigantor. he said they *might* be mature enough by IUI time to contribute an egg. this could actually work you guys!

so i injected the trigger shot this afternoon and turkey basting is in T-minus 36 hours. everything is not going according to plan. as usual. meh. i’m not shocked by that. and i won’t make any plans… let’s just see how this plays out.