all is lost

i will keep this short. the anesthesia and pain meds are still barreling through my veins and my thoughts are fleeting, foggy, at best. and i can barely muster the energy to type these next words.

the baby is lost.

my right fallopian tube is lost.

that one shred of hope i held deep down in my heart, it too, is lost.

though i am grateful this time to have not been faced with life-and-death gravity of previous ectopics, i am still living a nightmare.

i am beyond broken. and all is lost.

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8 thoughts on “all is lost

  1. Ms. Jodee, I stumbled on your blog via the WP Reader. Just skimming through some of your stories on your blog has my heart going out to you. You have endured more trials than any human should go through. My words can’t express what you must have gone through. My wife and I went down the IVF road several years ago. We were never able to carry a child past 16 cells or so.it seems. I wont drag out our thoughts on loss, even at this early stage. Surely it cant compare to what you must have gone through. It wasn’t easy. And I swore I would never pray for anything ever again. We decided on adoption as a way to have a family. I dont know if this is an option for you or not. While the thought of adoption was not hard for my wife it was for me, as my family’s name will die when I do. And yet, our lives have been so blessed by the children God has given to us as a family. Adoption gave me not only the ability to become a parent but completely blew away any preconceived (can i use that word here?) joys or ideas of what being a dad could be. We adopted two girls, now ages 8 and 10. My family blood line is over, But I, we live on through these girls.

    My blog is not about adoption. It is more of a family blog to tell friends, family and birth families what is going on in our children’s lives. But we do not hide adoption either. We talked about it with our girls at an early age. If you would ever consider Adoption as an alternative for your family here are two stories on our experience. https://ourlifein3d.com/?s=adoption

    My thoughts and prayers will go out to you and your family this evening. I hope your health is OK after reading your last post. You are a courageous young lady!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. They are touching. I am happy for you that through adoption you found your rainbows. I can only pray the sun shines on us again one day.

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