two down… 999,998 to go

every other day this last week i found myself in a cold (very freaking cold, like an arctic tundra) waiting room of Quest Diagnostics. and every time i got the pleasure of going there, there was a massively pregnant woman waiting as well. in fact, this last time there was a baby sitting 3 chairs away from me, pregnant with her own baby. okay, maybe she was 15. MAYBE. still, a child having a child. wtf universe. when i see pregnant women i try my best to pretend they don’t exist, literally. i avert my eyes. try to look around them. if i have to look at them (god forbid) i look THROUGH them like they are a ghost or something, not real… they don’t exist. i walk the other way even, i have to get away from them, for my own sanity. you see, the big belly is a huge trigger for me. it’s a symbol of what will never be again: a miracle living within my body. so further down the rabbit hole i go in this insanity… i conjure up all kinds of things so i can almost hate them and not feel bad for pretending they are thin air. i tell myself they don’t realize how lucky they are and they are taking their pregnancy for granted. the envious voice in my head whispers terrible things and then i start to see red. another reason why it’s a good idea i steer clear of them, as i imagine face-punching pregnant strangers is frowned upon. the big belly is a huge trigger. it makes me cry, it makes me so very green with envy. and it is everywhere. the worst was going to OBs office after every miscarriage i endured. sitting in the waiting room literally SURROUNDED with massively pregnant women, hearing them complain about swollen feet, or the crib sheets they bought aren’t the right shade of navy, and whatever will they do now that this fourth baby is coming. fuck that noise. they really should make a separate waiting room for people like me, to save us from further suffering. i hate the OBs office. it too, is very cold. why are all waiting rooms so damn cold?

every two days i’m having blood drawn and holding my breath for the call. i’m in denial that this outcome will be different. i started cramping last night, feeling like my period was about to come, and i immediately felt the rug getting pulled out from under me. here we go again. but every time i went to the bathroom half-expecting to see blood gushing out, there was none. this will surely make me insane. my friend talked me down for the ledge and i managed to put myself to bed early and sleep off the negativity. i woke up this morning and prayed for a miracle, that my blood levels would be doubling and i would live to see another pregnant day.

Monday’s level was 90.

Wednesday’s was 372!!!!!!!!!!

it QUADRUPLED in 2 days. not just doubled, QUADRUPLED. dare i do a little happy dance right now? OB was feeling good about the number, telling me perhaps i ovulated later than i thought and that’s why the first number was so low. crossing all my fingers and toes although my luck is crap. i confessed to her i had started taking progesterone supplements after the first draw was incredibly low (5) (i told you this stuff makes me insane) and promised her i wouldn’t pretend to be a doctor anymore. all i wanted to do was help this baby with whatever i could and if shoving hormone supplements up there was the only thing i could do, so be it. she laughed and said she wanted me on them anyway. maybe i am a doctor after all. i also mentioned the cramps to which she said as long as i am not bleeding and the pain isn’t severe (like with my ectopics) she’s not worried. and then she said this: “it’s probably your uterus stretching”. um… i’m sorry, can you repeat that? does that mean baby may actually be in my uterus!?!?? why else would it be stretching right? oh my god, i can’t let my mind go down that road yet but there may be, just *may be* hope here that it’s in the right place.

the plan: next blood draw is tomorrow however i won’t know the results until Monday. what kind of sick joke is that! it’s going to be the longest weekend of my life, but today i’m pregnant and i’m going with that until told otherwise. two down, 999,998 to go.

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