insanity

i’ve heard the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and over again, but expecting different results. the dictionary says it’s also extreme foolishness or irrationality. in fact, going further, it’s the state of being seriously mentally ill,… madness even.

well, infertility will drive a person mad. anyone who tries to argue that has never walked a minute in an infertile’s shoes. the constant highs and lows. the inflated hopes and the dashed dreams. it’s easy to go insane having your end goal be a baby. infertility treatments can bankrupt families. it can cause arguments, despair, affairs, and divorces. it can easily destroy your marriage. it will test your strength as a spouse, a woman, hell, even a human.

if i’m being totally honest here, i have toed the line of insanity… peeingonallthesticks. ladies, you feel me here? those home pregnancy tests, they created a monster in me. positive line or no line, i won’t believe it and have to try another brand and compare results. hold it up to the light, squint eyes shut just so… angle it just right. analyze. remember that scene from Knocked Up where Katherine Heigl peesonallthesticks? that shit is real folks. it just occurred to me the writers likely knew an infertile woman who jokingly told them how the pee sticks drove her insane.

the doubt that comes with peeingonallthesticks will drive you insane. is that a second line? is it just the dye running? is that a ghost line? compare pee sticks day to day. is the line getting darker!?! because that’s the only proof you have that 1) you’re still pregnant (no, you haven’t lost it yet), and 2) it’s all you can do to pass the agonizing time waiting for your first ultrasound.

the pee sticks drive me insane. after above-mentioned regimen of pee/squint/angle/open new package at some point i have to go to the store and BUYALLTHESTICKS. the checkout girls side-eye me as they ring up five, ten, (who am i kidding, twenty!) Dollar Tree home pregnancy tests. lay off me. i know i have a problem. they aren’t infertiles. the infertiles would be patting me on the back and saying “i think you could stand to get a few more, dontcha think? those won’t last you 3 days.” insanity i tell you.

over the last year i stepped away from the insanity. amazing husband and i decided to take a formal break from trying (internal hemorrhaging will do that to you). i stopped BUYINGALLTHESTICKS at the Dollar Tree. i enjoyed getting smiles instead of side eyes from behind the register. i felt some weight come off my shoulders every month. it’s never a happy moment to have your period arrive, but in a strange way it was a welcome relief that i didn’t have to step back on the gut-wrenching rollercoaster of “will this finally be my take home baby?”

and then this happened.

to say i am in shock is an understatement. i didn’t plan this. and truthfully i am not happy/blissful/excited, there’s no room for that. i am a realist – i am fastening my seatbelt and bracing for impact. my odds are terrible. lucky #7 wasn’t lucky, in fact it may have been the most UNlucky pregnancy for me. pretty sure my luck ran out years ago.

luck or no luck, i will be saying hello to insanity, my old friend. there’s no getting around that for the next few days. i’m getting blood work done today and we’ll go from there. excuse me while i go BUYALLTHESTICKS now.

2 thoughts on “insanity

  1. Fuck infertility and pregnancy loss – it’s so unfair that it takes the joy away from what most fertile people get when they see those two pink lines. Having said that, of course I have everything crossed for you 🙂

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