i am starting to see the dust settling… the particles fall slowly through the air, they appear weightless in the air… before they reach me they are harmless. they are the motions, actions, decisions of everyone else in the world moving on with the exception of me. i am still here, in this dark place. i am safe in this hole, nothing can touch me. i see the dust settling, and i blow it away, it cannot reach me. i am “moving on” and yet my feet go nowhere. i sit, emotionally stagnant in this place, even though my physical body navigates through the world. my heart sits in a place stuck in time, a place where life was how it used to be. before it was turned upside down, when things made sense. when angie lived. when i could hear her raucous laugh, feel her embrace. i want to stay here forever. i am living and reliving everything i can that brings her closer to me. i pull out all the photos, i spend all night wracking my brain for memories. i listen to her favorite bands, i even gently cradle her clothes in my hands, run my fingers over their threads and breathe her in. this is all i have left of her. and i see the dust settling. the world moving. and i refuse to move. i see the particles… they are weightless, harmless, and yet they come to rest like a suffocating film on my mouth.

nothing prepares you for this. i can’t breathe. how i’ve gone a day without crying is a miracle and out of nowhere comes the inevitable collapse and torrential downpour of tears. i am supposed to move along. how. sometime tell me how to do this. the day in and day out. i wake up. why, why am i allowed to wake up? why me? why not her. i have no answers for any of this. and perhaps even if i did, would it ease the pain? nothing will bring her back. answers will not give me any more precious time with her. and yet i agonize over not knowing the “why”.

ironically i create these particles. my physical body navigates the world. i go to work. i push papers around and send empty emails. i beg the clock to hurry up. i just want to be home, let me surround myself with amazing husband and son. those are the only things that matter. day in and day out, i go through motions. i move. i “move on” and yet i don’t. i create the particles that ironically try to suffocate me.

and i am not the only one suffering, i know this. i am reminded of it with every beat of my heart. this constant reality cuts nearly as bad as my own pain. at least with my infertility grief, the pain was in limited in some ways to just me and amazing husband. this is a whole new level of torment. everyone is wounded, everyone is cut deep, exsanguinating before me. i watch those i love the most crumble into heaps on the ground. i wish i had the strength to lift them up off the ground, but my own knees are untrustworthy. how can i help anyone, i can barely get out of bed myself. and so i watch it all fall apart. i watch the destruction ensue. there’s no stopping the aftermath of this. angie’s death has blown my family into pieces and all i can do it watch the particles float weightlessly down to the ground and create a damage far more excessive than you could ever imagine. how do you get through this?

i can’t move. i want to stay here forever. don’t uproot me from this place, i will blow away the dust until i am out of breath. i will. i cannot leave, i cannot leave her here. i need her. i need her close.


“the atlantic was born today and i’ll tell you how…

the clouds opened up and let it out.

i was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere

when the water filled every hole.

and thousands upon thousands made an ocean.

making islands where no island should go.

oh no.

those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.

i thought it  less like a lake and more like a moat,

the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.

the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row

it seems farther than ever before

oh no.

i need you so much closer.

i need you so much closer.

i need you so much closer.

i need you so much closer.

i need you so much closer.

i need you so much closer.

i need you so much closer

i need you so much closer.”

-death cab for cutie


i love this photo. it’s angie just being angie, no intense makeup or silly expression.

just her and her little sonny boy.

just her day in and day out.

i miss her so much. words don’t even come close. i need her closer.


One thought on “particles

  1. I am a heap on the ground. I see the particles also. I walk through them aimlessly, crying unexpectedly just from looking at a flower, or a photo, or even the sky. I see Angie everywhere…a smell, a memory, a child laughing.
    God created man from the particles. Perhaps the particles will teach us that God can do anything, even heal our broken hearts.


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