pieces

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 i crawled into his bed this morning

wincing with each twist, my body not recovered enough for these movements

i didn’t care

i needed to smell his hair, feel the rise of his little chest with each breath

he was still here

the dreams had lied to me

i stroked his cheek, committing the softness to memory

and closed my eyes

and i tried to recall a time much earlier

before all the storms

when life was more simple and safe

and i wasn’t on the verge of collapse

i needed to steady my feet, right myself because the world was upside down

and it hit me

i couldn’t

nothing came to mind

even after i had carried him inside me

and made it to that moment when he was placed in my arms

i was still terrified and tormented from loss

i pulled him closer to me

selfishly waking him up, i didn’t care, i needed him

with sleep in his eyes he turned to look at me

smiled

good morning mama

the dreams had lied

he was still here

i laid there

and looked on his sweet face, breathed his breath and held on tight

as tears streamed down my face

i refuse to let go

the world is cruel

i am paralyzed with fear

i know at some point i have to start moving again

but how can i take a step, in any direction

when the ground is quicksand

i am a million broken pieces held together with tape

and just when i think the tears cannot possibly come anymore

they burst forth

i breathe him in

he is still here

i close my eyes

can i stay here forever

3 thoughts on “pieces

  1. My tears flow with yours. That’s all I can share. I am also broken watching my baby go through this. I love you and want to hold you forever.

    Like

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