i ran up the stairs, two at a time, shaking like a leaf. i couldn’t get to the top fast enough.
in 13 days i’m supposed to be meeting with a new RE (magician 2.0) to discuss embarking on donor egg IVF. i’ve been looking forward to this appointment for months. after 3 years of trying with only heartbreak to show for it, i accepted it ain’t gonna happen. not with these old lady eggs. so let’s use someone else’s. (let me tell you we did not enter into this lightly, but i would be thrilled to carry a baby. anyone’s genes. it would be mine. to love. and i would, as if it were my blood.) but i digress.
i threw open the bedroom door and shook amazing husband out of his morning slumber. words didn’t suffice so tears filled the void. i threw my arms around his neck and mustered something unintelligible, muffled by the emotion of that moment. saying the words out loud made it that much more fragile. this. exact. moment. was. happening.
the one you stopped believing in. because it wasn’t gonna happen.
i considered not sharing this. because i didn’t think i had it in me to invite you on this ride again, fearing the inevitable carpet pulled from my feet trick, and the let-down all over again. but to know me, to follow me and know this journey, you must feel it with me when it’s raw. exactly as i feel it. the thrill of the highs and the pain in the lows. i want you to see it how i see it. so you can be that much more of an understanding support to the women in your life relegated to walking this path.
the highs come with lows on this path. but today let us be high. higher than high. let us believe it can happen.
today is a damn good day.