i sat in that hospital bed and begged God to show me mercy. i bartered with everything i could. anything. just make this time “different.” please. just stop the rollercoaster.
two years and it feels like yesterday.
i still remember how the doctor couldn’t look me in the eye. i could feel the uncomfortable air stifling his voice. eyes down. because what do you say to a woman when she’s losing her baby. when she’s been probably losing it for a week before that although blood levels say otherwise, she knows better. when she’s lost so much already. no words exist. nothing can dull that level of pain.
two years and i can’t forget you.
i’ve tried to distract myself. tried to forget the pain, or forgive the past, but i find myself still here. here. with feet firmly planted, not having moved. for. two. years. i am the same now as i was then. stuck. torn. and tormented. and i remember everything. every look of pity. every awkward silence. each cliché. they echo in my memories. i have failed to distract myself. i continue to feel you within me.
two years and i won’t forget you.
i may have gone radio silent here for a while. i may have tried to ignore this. everything about this. tried to focus on “the positive.” stared at “happy” and “the light” and lied to myself that i am content now, with my life. i am so good with the smile now, you can’t even see the crack… the one that threatens to expose the truth inside.
two years and i refuse to forget you.
not ever. because you mattered. you were loved. though your feet were small, they left indelible prints on my soul. i would do anything to hold you in my arms.
“the best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, or even touched. they must be felt with the heart.” -helen keller
fly high my darling. may my love find you, wherever you are. ❤