the most beautiful things in the world

two years.

i sat in that hospital bed and begged God to show me mercy. i bartered with everything i could. anything. just make this time “different.”  please. just stop the rollercoaster.

two years and it feels like yesterday.

i still remember how the doctor couldn’t look me in the eye. i could feel the uncomfortable air stifling his voice. eyes down. because what do you say to a woman when she’s losing her baby. when she’s been probably losing it for a week before that although blood levels say otherwise, she knows better. when she’s lost so much already. no words exist. nothing can dull that level of pain.

two years and i can’t forget you.

i’ve tried to distract myself. tried to forget the pain, or forgive the past, but i find myself still here. here. with feet firmly planted, not having moved. for. two. years. i am the same now as i was then. stuck. torn. and tormented. and i remember everything. every look of pity. every awkward silence. each cliché. they echo in my memories. i have failed to distract myself. i continue to feel you within me.

two years and i won’t forget you.

i may have gone radio silent here for a while. i may have tried to ignore this. everything about this. tried to focus on “the positive.” stared at “happy” and “the light” and lied to myself that i am content now, with my life. i am so good with the smile now, you can’t even see the crack… the one that threatens to expose the truth inside.

two years and i refuse to forget you.

not ever. because you mattered. you were loved. though your feet were small, they left indelible prints on my soul. i would do anything to hold you in my arms.

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“the best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, or even touched. they must be felt with the heart.”  -helen keller

fly high my darling.  may my love find you, wherever you are. ❤

 

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “the most beautiful things in the world

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