sunset

IMG_1767

sunset

the sun has set on this month. i’ve been channeling and working through my grief these last 31 days, as we brought awareness to infant and pregnancy loss this October. Carly Marie’s Capture Your Grief project has been on my mind daily, whether or not i posted my thoughts, poems, pictures, or stories here. i undertook this painful, determined action to document my grief, in hopes that i would be one step closer to closure, and also in hopes that someone, anyone, would understand/commiserate/sympathize with my struggle. i think in the end, in this culmination of difficult step upon step, i would like to think someone walked away with something tangible. something positive, in all the darkness.

honestly, i really hope that someone was me.

you see me up there? that is the face of struggle. and determination. and grief. and resilience. and hope. and hopes that were dashed. that face is all-encompassing, a chameleon of emotion. my self portrait is as ever-changing as my heart. so what heals me? that remains to be seen. i used to think it was another baby. and then that never happened. then i thought it was booze. lots and lots of escape mechanisms. exercise. retail therapy. more booze. nope. not that either. my latest answer was self-reflection. so far, that has been the most-healthy of all the mechanisms. but i stand here still, with a hole in my beating and bleeding heart. a cavity in the depth of my soul. i am unhealed. the scars do not fade. they simply fade in color, lose their raised edges.

these last few days of CYG were self portrait, reach out, what heals you, reflection and sunset. as i wrap up this exercise, i reflected on these days and i felt they all went hand in hand.  i am not ashamed to have lumped them all together, they are intertwined, breathing as one.but the bloodstream is less forceful. my knees less weak, my stance more grounded with each passing day. week. month. year. this months’ reflection has made me look back on these years with sadness but also with respect. there is no room for judgment. none for regrets. simply room for acknowledgment. forgiving the past and moving forward with the future. i will never be able to forget. simply to forgive and hope i am allotted the same respite.

sunset

the days are shorter. the nights longer. that means more time with my thoughts. as the sun sets on this project, i come back to this song. the words of which could be sewn into the stitches of my soul. i dedicate this to my loves. may these words find you, wherever you are.

“i have died everyday

waiting for you

darling don’t be afraid

i have loved you for a thousand years

i’ll love you for a thousand more.

and all along i believed i would find you

time has brought your heart to me

i have loved you for a thousand years

i’ll love you for a thousand more.

one step closer.

one step closer…”

-christina perri

i wish you all healing, for whatever ails your heart. and love. lots and lots of love.

#captureyourgrief

check out more of Carly Marie’s Project Heal at:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2015

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