day 23 & 24 – love letter, choose your breath

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dear 40 year-old me,

this is a love letter to you, full of hopeful promises for the future. you give so much of yourself, it’s only fair to give some back.

promise me that in five years you will be different from the me now. not different in the “you will be more wrinkled and saggy” meaning (because duh we can’t escape gravity), but different in your aims and sense of self. please don’t take offense to this, but i hope you finally feel complete. 35 year-old you doesn’t know how to be at peace with life. she cannot let out her breath and relax… she is constantly searching for what she hopes will complete her. you have years on her, you deserve peace.

promise me you will forgive yourself. allow yourself the benefit of all doubt. you did all that you can do. you turned over every stone, and followed every path to its bitter end. and despite meeting locked doors and dead ends you dug deep and wouldn’t give up. so wherever you are now, whether a rocky path or a lush meadow, stop moving. rest your weary legs and be still. breathe in the air and let it all go. you deserve forgiveness.

promise me you will have more sunshine than dark clouds. not that you have changed your future into day upon day full of puppies and rainbows, but that you found a way to look at the world differently. you embrace the positive and can leave envy and bitterness behind you.

the last thing i ask you to promise me is you will look back on me and realize what my purpose was in this time in my life. why i was meant to be here, in this place, at this time. the me now is a spinning top, stuck in one place getting more and more dizzy. i cannot see past my blurry view of the world. i cannot catch my breath when i am moving this fast. the me now would love so much to have closure, and know why these last few years were meant to happen how they did.

if i could say anything to you i want you to know that you should have no regrets. you never gave up. it’s just not within you to quit, well, anything really once you put your mind to it. you did your very best. and you deserve to sit down, put your feet up, and let out that breath.

love, you

#captureyourgrief

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