days 18 & 19 – seasons & symbols, music

seasons & symbols


i chose the symbol of the butterfly today, as butterflies are a common symbol in the loss world. they represent the spirit of our angel babies. they represent the soul’s transformation from an earthly body to a heavenly one. and their wings help them soar to the heavens, free from the weight of this world. whenever i encounter a butterfly, i take the time to stop and close my eyes… be present in the moment. for maybe i will feel a connection to what became so disconnected from me.

this particular butterfly is rad. it’s the parnassius apollo. not only does it appear to carry bleeding hearts on its wings, it survives in the coldest of climates, atop the mountains of the French alps. it is a true inspiration of beauty and resilience. it has adapted and grown strong, despite the harshest of elements, the most difficult of times.


music is a trigger. it can act as a catalyst, triggering a tidal wave of emotions. certain songs, that is. for me, there are a choice few that i can no longer listen to, mostly because i associate them with my losses. they are songs that i heard either on the radio, after leaving a doctors office/hospital post-bad news. every once in a while, when i need a good ugly cry, i will play them. and unleash the pent up pain. it is cathartic, a good cry. physically, emotionally,… sometimes you just have to let it out. and then there is one. one special song dear to my heart i have mentally reserved for playing when i finally get my rainbow baby. the words of this song, they speak what my heart has tried to say for years now. occasionally it comes on the radio and before i know it i am a heaping pile of tears. i have to turn it off, it’s too much these days. i cannot take the tidal wave.


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