i try not to have them. but inevitably a few remain. i wish i had:
not waited even one second to try to have kids. not listened when my doctor told me “you’re young, it will be fine, you have time.” been an advocate for myself sooner. researched more. worried less. paid more attention to amazing son, in those times when i was too wrapped up in my own issues to see him growing up fast. thanked amazing husband more… for everything, really.
i can’t put a picture here to represent the triggers. no single picture could include the world and all it’s triggers, both as obvious as the pregnant bellies around me to as subtle as a butterfly that crosses my path. i am surprised on a daily basis, just how many things trigger my grief… trigger memories of my babies, the physical experience of losing them from my body, emotions i felt, emotions i am feeling now. how do you disassociate these common triggers and the raw punch-in-the-gut, time and time again? i don’t know how to do that.
express your heart
“for all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: it might have been.”
-john greenleaf whittier