well let’s see. it’s pretty slim these days. if you asked me 10 years ago what was on my wish list it would go a little something like this:
- win the lotto. duh.
- meet the man of my dreams (which at the time i knew had to be amazing husband, i just couldn’t figure out how to make HIM see that)
- marry said man of my dreams
- have 3 kids (twins and a singleton, i had this sh*t planned out), white picket fence, blah blah blah. (on a side note, why the hell was i hoping for twins? 25 year old me was stupid. 35 year old me, after having a single child, can’t imagine doing all that and then doubled at the same time. MoMs you have my utmost respect)
- travel the world (this is how stupid i was, thinking i could travel the world with 3 kids in tow)
25 year old me was dumb. i wasn’t even thinking of going to nursing school. no idea what i wanted to do with my life. but i did have a bit of sense… i knew clear as day that amazing husband was someone important in my life, and that i saw myself surrounded with children. i could let go of the fence. i prefer natural wood color anyway.
here we are today. 35 year old me has whittled my wish list down to the most important things.
- the first of which is still to win the lotto. seriously, like that would change?
- spend time with my family.
there is nothing more important than those i love the most. the time with them is opportunity to love on them more, a gift… something to seize and never let go. and it is fleeting. i feel like the day (or week, or month) evaporates in the blink of an eye. i turn around one day and standing before me is this little boy, my baby long gone. the calendar pages flip faster and faster… hey there, it’s nearly christmas already. again. didn’t we JUST celebrate christmas? there is never “enough time.” not enough in one day, or one week… the months and years fly by and soon enough you are sending him to kindergarten. high school. college. i just can’t even.
as much as i know i can’t slow down time, i will still wish for more of it. and for time gone by. i wish i had spent more time holding his little baby body tight. definitely more hugs. more nights rocking him to sleep, so i could study his perfect little nose. listen intently to his coos, commit them to memory. i wish with all my heart i could wake up surrounded by every single one of my babies. i wish i was not meant to feel this level of pain. time and time and time and time and time again. i wish no one had to suffer this grief. i wish i had answers. not that the answers would lessen the pain, because they wouldn’t. but perhaps answers would help me find closure, or guide my feet to walk a direct path. instead i wander about, lost in the limbo, trying desperately to grow my family. and heal the brokenness within me. the dictionary tells me to wish is to want something that cannot, or probably will not happen.