it’s been a while since i wrote. i could say i’ve been too busy with school. i could use the excuse of work life. and home life. and the daily grind. there can always be an excuse. but the true reason is simple, why i’ve been away. there’s been nothing to talk about. nothing i felt like sharing. nothing exciting to update.
nothing. nothing is happening. in my body of course. it always comes back to my broken body. because it’s all i can focus on. it’s at the forefront of my mind. every. day. each month that passes and still nothing,… it’s a reminder of the brokenness. even when i actively push the thoughts aside, something brings them back, inevitably. i see a lady pushing a stroller. i won’t ever do that again. someone announces their pregnancy. i die a little more. the big swollen bellies come out of the woodwork. i run away. and so the cycle continues.
i am haunted by the nothing. which is so very hard. the wheels are spinning and the hands of the clock move quickly. and nothing.
there was nothing to talk about until yesterday. i briefly spoke about the Carly Marie Day of Hope back in August… she lost her baby boy and has spent her time helping other bereaved mothers remember, honor, and heal. with October being Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, she has a “challenge,” if you will, called Capture Your Grief. it is a daily commitment (31 different ones to be exact) of mindful healing… a way to actively focus on finding what heals you. lord knows i have some work to do with my grief. i decided this was something that i needed to do. with all the nothingness, i needed purpose. feng shui’ing the negativity that threatens to suffocate my heart is exactly what i need to be focusing on. i’ve said it before. grief never ends, it simply changes shape. and this misshapen clay yearns for transformation.
day 1 “sunrise.” (and i am a day late. no one is surprised there. but better late than never.)
this picture speaks to me on so many levels. the serenity of the colors in the sky…. to me it is the awakening of the earth… sunrise is hope. a new day. a new start. and it should be a moment to reflect on the gift of life,… that you were given another day. my focus yesterday (and hopefully moving forward) is to be thankful for that gift.
day 2 “intention”
intention is an aim, or plan. something purposely attempted, a mental status that represents a commitment to carrying out an action. when i think of that word, intention, i think of it in the terms of my infertility journey. i think of the years and tears spent actively (and fruitlessly) trying for a baby. the intention, with every needle stick and pill popped, of carrying another child. but looking at today’s challenge of “intention” i need to actively change my focus to that of intention to heal. i am making a commitment to heal. to not forget, but to forgive the past and move forward. wherever that takes me. baby or no baby. this is my aim.