august 19th day of hope


all babies are miracles. those of us who are blessed to have one know that. and those who have struggled or are currently struggling to have one know that just as much. today is august 19th, the day of hope. started by an awesome aussie named carly marie, who tragically lost a child in utero of her own, the day of hope is one to honor and celebrate our babies no longer here with us. it is a day to break the silence of infant and pregnancy loss. it is a day to say to the world that your baby mattered. no matter how far or not far along in your pregnancy you were. they all matter.

last year after losing my 4th baby, i found a little solace in the day of hope project. i poured my heart into my prayer flag, literally spilt tears onto it while i sewed. today i fly it high today to honor my babies. and having had another loss since then i find myself feeling the grief even more today. but today is about them, not me. today i will let my heart feel the fullness of my love for them. some days i sit and daydream that they are up there in the clouds, playing on god’s jungle gym… and i can hear their laughter carried along the wind. grief never ends, it simply changes shape. and i am forever changed by my sweet angels. sending you all my love, sweet butterflies.


if you would like to learn more about the carly marie project heal or august 19th day of hope, check it out here:

August 19th – Day of Hope

hey now

holy hell you guys. LOOK at that. i filled five garbage bags full of clothes. five. 5 garbage bags of fabric that sparked not one ounce of joy for me. FIVE giant bags that i was holding on to for what… so i could break my closet rod? because you can see it clearly bending on the left. actually it is bending on the right too… i think i did permanent damage there. and in the last two days when i reached for something to wear, i put it on and felt really good about myself. most days i grabbed lounge-y stuff to run to the store, or pick up amazing son, etc. and i felt, well, shlubby i guess. not any more. the shlub ends now. becuase the shlubby clothes are at goodwill thankyouverymuch. gah! i can’t explain how good it felt to get rid of that stuff, and how good i feel today! who knew tidying could feel this amazing. i can actually move the clothes in my closet side to side. when i open my drawers i can see every single item in there on first glance. and my socks are finally “resting,” relaxed in their drawer. i laughed out loud when I read about “allowing your socks to rest.” crazy japanese lady. but i can hear them sighing now and it feels good.

okay so have you bought the book yet??? no? RUN. and while you’re waiting to download it onto your kindle or for the 2-day Amazon prime shipping, i’ll leave with you the 5 things i leaned so far:

1. it wasn’t hard at all to part with those clothes. scout’s honor. the author said to start tidying first with clothes, as they generally carry the least amount of sentiment, thereby setting you up for an easy start to success. she was right. and you will still have enough clothes to wear when you’re done, i promise.

2. pretty sure i own every single color/pattern of the target scoop neck tank top. and i’m not ashamed.

3. i found clothes i never knew i had. that was a bit shameful. hoarder!

4. i realized how unrealistic a wool pea coat is for Southern California “weather.” whatwasithinking.

5. i broke a rule. (hangs head in shame) i didn’t pull out alllllll the clothes like the author said to. i couldn’t bring myself to even open the cases of perfectly folded maternity clothes. no sentiment, my ass. i wasn’t ready to pick them up in my hands, to feel the stretch of the fabric, knowing full well it used to cover my giant baby belly. i couldn’t do it. i just couldn’t. i’m just not ready to part with them. one day i will, i know it. but not today. not yet.

tidy up


spark /spärk/ verb. ignite.

joy /joi/ noun. a feeling of great happiness.

can you tell me the last time something ignited a feeling of great happiness deep inside you? would you ever use that term, “spark joy”, to describe how you feel about, say,… a pair of rolled up tights in the back of your dresser drawer, knotted so tightly the wrinkles will never come out?  how about that one book lost on the shelf that you haven’t read for 18 years, now home to cobwebs and dust mites… does it spark joy in your heart when you read it?  those shoes you wore to that one Vegas club six years ago… you know, the ones that “go” with that one dress you never wear because it shows your muffin top too much… do they make your heart sing? or is it the memory of how awesome you felt wearing them on that awesome night a lifetime ago that pleads with you to keep them tucked away in the closet?  this. this deep reflection into why we hoard material possessions and how to remedy that is the premise of a life-changing book i am reading. it is called “the life-changing magic of tidying up”  and the book is exactly that: life changing. run, RUN to the store and get it. like, right now. close the computer and get in the car. or log into amazon. something. anything. DO IT.

are you back? ok, good. before you try to give me any credit or kudos or pats on the back for coming across this fabulous book (which you will quickly learn is 1) fabulous and then 2) make you question why did it take you this long to realize the error of your ways) i have to give full credit to my friend CW for opening my eyes to this tiny japanese woman Marie Kondo and her obsession with decluttering/organizing. i am watching my friend make this life transformation (so proud!) and she inspired me to go in 100%. and for that, i thank her. profusely. the author, Kondo, boasts that not a single one of her clients has ever gone back to cluttering or hoarding, once completing her program. wow, she’s cocky. not one? really?  well, i DO like a challenge! so i purchased the book and showed it to amazing husband.

“hey look, this little Japanese woman is going to help me clean out and organize my closet. and maybe the whole house.”

“hey that’s great. we have way too much crap.”

well that was easy. so i dove right in. as i read the first couple of chapters i was introduced to her method: take an item into your hand. feel it. as you let it weigh in your hand, or as you run your fingers over the material, what feelings come over you?  are you just “meh” about it? or does it make your heart sing as you hold it? if it’s the former, it is time to let it go. a light bulb exploded in my head. Queen Elsa was onto something. and so is this Japanese chick. i have been holding on to things, possessions, not because they ignite a joyous fire within my heart NOW, but because they once did in the past. it is the memory of how i felt THEN that is holding me back from parting with it. there is an invisible guilt handcuffing me to it.  and as the years go by, the accumulation of these things, and some guilt, grows larger. duh. while my home stays the same size. oops. Kondo believes that by acknowledging that memory or feeling the item once gave you, and giving it the emotional recognition it deserves, you can then say goodbye to that item, guilt-free. the more things you let go of, the more free you become. and this applies to everything in your home. clothes. shoes. books. kitchen gadgets. DVDs. the garage. wise, this sensei is.

how do you say no to that? you can’t, right? i’m ready. i’m in a place in my life where i need to say goodbye to a lot of the past and free myself up for the future. and though this book is about tidying up my home, it’s methods work on a much deeper level.  it is about changing my mindset. my life. and if that means it starts with un-strangling my stockings and tossing out that bridesmaid’s dress i certainly will never wear again, i’m not one to argue. i would post a pic of my closet, to start. but i am much too embarrassed. no judging, people. it’s time to let it go and get free. today it begins.

i’ll keep you posted!