if there is any shred of sunshine in the dark depressing state of my infertility journey, it’s that we are finally “getting back out there.” i’m not talking about the dating world, but the REAL world. the one that has all these fun things available to you that you could never commit to because you were doing fertility crap. too often my life was centered around the doctors’ schedule. appointments. treatments. ultrasounds. there was no real room for much else. a stress-free weekend getaway? that’s hilarious. dinner and movie night? only if i can bring my injection kit. that has to be on ice. you heard me. bringing a cooler everywhere with you is not at all cumbersome, or an eyesore. excuse me waiter, can you put these in your fridge? and then there’s the money aspect. when all your extra savings (what is that?) is going to medical bills, no way are we booking trips or buying tickets to a show. that money is spoken for. or was, rather. and now it’s gone. with nothing to show for it. no fun memories to look back on. no chintzy vacation memento. pretty sure no one is selling the “i spent 2 years and $30,000 trying to have a child and all i got was this t-shirt” t-shirt.
so i’m saying f*ck it. i refuse to let my life be dictated by infertility anymore. there were
literally hundreds so many times i would be shopping somewhere and see a cute outfit and think “oh, that’s so cute, but i’m not going to buy it because hopefully i’ll be pregnant this month and then that would be a waste of money.” you know, because it wouldn’t fit soon enough. face:palm. how sad is that? confession: i still hoard all my maternity clothes. just in case. i know, i’m pathetic. so many aspects of my life, paused. waiting. because of “what if” and “hopefully.”
but you know what? enough. it’s time to enjoy again, guilt-free. i read an article the other day that basically said people who spend their money on experiences are happier than those that spend it on things. i am jumping on that train. i started looking for fun things to do. tickets to The Lion King musical? sure. an outdoor art show? why not. group baseball game next month? let’s do it. in August we will celebrate our 5 year anniversary and we had been talking for a while about having a weekend to ourselves. i said to amazing husband “hey guess what we’re going to Cabo.” and luckily he didn’t argue. because f*ck it. i’m not waiting anymore. and plus also it’s summer and even though it’s africa hot right now i want to be outside DOING things. breathing the salty beach air. swimming. picnicking in the park. or grinding my teeth on sand-laced popcorn while watching the Lego Movie on the beach next to amazing son. which reminds me i can probably forgo the polishing at my next dental appointment.
and if the feds can get their asses in gear with processing my passport i can be on white sandy mexican beaches in no time, sipping cerveza fresca y fría. make it happen sweet baby jesus. because f*ck it, i’m not waiting anymore.
hello world, it’s me again.