well, what do i do now.
i’ve been doing a lot of thinking and feel i should ask you: do i keep up this blog? it was meant to be an outlet for me to work through all the sh*t that comes with being an infertile old bag. i started it to get the weight off my shoulders, which i have, to some degree. and it has opened up people’s eyes to a taboo subject: pregnancy loss. many have reached out to me and thanked me for “educating” them on this hush-hush dont-talk-about-it subject. and most importantly, i have been so incredibly grateful for this blog and it’s followers… it has kept me afloat when the water has threatened to swallow me up.
but now what. i’m not in any position to be able to continue with infertility treatments. over a year has passed and we are back at square one. ouch, that hurts to type that out. except now we know that my one remaining tube is pretty much shot. and my eggs are now a year older and that much more jacked up. if i keep up this blog, i’m afraid month after month it will read like this: “well, no news to report.” or worse yet “well, we got pregnant but look i lost this baby too”. who wants to see that.
am i insane? repeating the same behavior over and over and over again but expecting different results… that’s the definition of insanity, right? or am i simply holding out hope for a miracle? which some might argue is just as insane.
i don’t know. i don’t know a lot of things. what i am doing. what should i be doing. should i be calling it quits? should i just accept that i will never have another child? that there is no light at the end of this darkness? and don’t think for a second that i don’t say to myself every damn day that i was blessed with a miracle. i KNOW how lucky i am to have amazing son, i do NOT take him for granted. but as long as this heart in my chest beats, it will long to fill the void left by 5 angels. and no amount of time shrinks that void, it never goes away.
what have i been doing these last few weeks? i’ve been questioning. everything. what i did. what i didn’t do. what i’m doing now. what i’m NOT doing now. and i have no answers. i have no plan. i am spinning like a top. dizzy and confused. with no clear direction. a girlfriend asked me the other day: “if you had all the money in the world, would you do IVF again?” of course i would, that’s not even a question. i would do it until my uterus fell out. 1000x’s yes. but that is not the reality is it.
well now what. mostly i just sit here. and seethe with envy. and then get angry at the injustice of it all. and then guilty that i feel these things. there is a lot of self-loathing here. i freely admit i’m not in a good place. you’d be hard-pressed to find a silver lining in this depressing cloud. will time fix that? i doubt it, though it might lessen the blow. so now what. i will keep working on staying distracted i guess? projects. school. laundry. a few people sent me fancy coloring books to help keep my mind off things (don’t laugh)… and it actually works. filling in those intricate spaces with bright colors somehow calms the soul. for that moment in time. i started running again. that has helped a bit. when it’s just me and the pavement, i feel free of the weight. but then the run is over. the brightly-colored marker is put down. and undoubtedly the feelings creep back in. the damn-i-opened-facebook-and-there’s-another-pregnancy-announcement slaps me in the face. and it’s nothing against that person, they deserve to be happy. but i just can’t even. i just can’t accept that this is it. not yet.