reality

must.

stay.

busy.

there is a void that needs to be filled. fertility treatments were pretty much my second job, and now that i’ve been fired, so to speak, i have this void. it’s not called wow-i-have-all-this-free-time, you know, now that i’m not constantly at doctors appointments. ultrasounds. lab tests. stabbing myself. free time is still spent on school. and laundry. and life. it’s called i-can’t-deal-with-this-reality-right-now.

the reality right now is that i can’t successfully bring home a baby without IVF. and the sickening twist is that i can’t successfully complete an IVF cycle. oh and that i can’t afford to ever do another one ever again. let’s not forget that.

so where does that leave me? depressed. what do i do? avoid. clearly i’m not ready to broach THE talk. the one where we say out loud that we won’t be having another child unless flying pigs drop money straight out of the sky into my lap and simultaneously magically plant an embryo in my ute. that talk is coming, i’m sure. but not yet. let me live in my void, removed from reality. but what do i do now, right this minute, in this void?

the obvious choice is to find something new to obsess about. duh.

when i lost my first baby i was glued to the couch for days. literally, my ass could not peel itself away from the cushions and kleenex boxes. like any normal person i spent ungodly amounts of hours watching Extreme Couponing. don’t deny it, you watched that show. you know those wackadoos, barreling into the Piggly Wiggly with 5 shopping carts in tow, and coming out spending $7 on 218236 cases of gatorade. i was seriously impressed by their hauls. not that i ever wanted enough gatorade to hydrate an NFL team, but i thought “pshh, i can do that.” 1 week, 1 binder and a garage full of “stockpile” later, i was a couponer extraordinaire. i poured myself into those little paper cuttings. i spent days organizing those squares by type. re-organizing by expiration date. clipping. sorting. scanning the circulars. more clipping. it was my life. not because it was the best way to spend my days, but it kept me from diving off the deep end into the abyss. though he’ll never admit it, i’m fairly certain poor husband thought i was certifiably nuts. and i was, to a degree… a frugal psycho. depression will do that to you. but i speak the truth people, obsessing about something was exactly what i needed. couponing saved me. it stopped me from spiraling into the nothingness. and for that, i am eternally grateful. (sidenote: yes, i still coupon, in case you’re wondering. but not nearly at the olympic level in my younger days.)

so what do i do now? well, i already coupon. need something else. i know, instead of hoarding away that money for infertility treatments that will never be fruitful, i’ll finally invest it into this house. the one that still has boxes left unpacked. don’t judge, it’s only been 2 years.

i decided to tackle a simple and tangible project so i could feel the reward of putting work into something and actually SEEING results (ahem, IVF, are you listening?). time to refinish my nightstand. years of wear and tear on this piece have taken their toll. and plus also stay busy, you know.

since i didn’t plan on blogging my DIY psychosis, here is some random pic of my nightstand off the internet. now imagine the top is peeling. and discolored. and basically looks terrible.

ethanallen

rustoleum refinishing kit. check. sander. check. amazing husband to do all the manual labor. check. one weekend later.

hello gorgeous.

IMG_9569

now what do i do. that was too simple. i know… i’ll make an upholstered headboard. i’ve wanted one of these things since we bought the bed of our dreams (Sleep Number. get one. like, 5 minutes ago. best thing you’ll ever do.) it has looked so sad you guys, this fabulous bed with nothing but empty gray wall above it. well crap, if i’m going to make a headboard i’d better paint the room first. aaaand hello psycho, there you are.

paint. check. tiny manual laborer to “help” me. check.

let’s do this.IMG_9567

i love this purple. so soothing. a few DIY internet videos later and i picked the easiest to make settled on a contemporary headboard style, gathered my supplies and forced husband to love this project as much as i did. plywood. check. fabric. check. batting, glue, nails, scotchgard, yadda yadda. check check check. $78 poorer, a few days later and only one smashed finger…

BOOM. eat your heart out pottery barn.

IMG_9562

okay, that only took a week. now what.

well…, i have an entire room upstairs collecting boxes. and dust. and it stays quiet and empty. rarely do i even enter that room. and i haven’t been able to bring myself to DO anything with it because, well, it’s supposed to be a nursery. but you never decorate a nursery for a baby you wish to have. everyone knows that. that’s bad luck. so it has sat there, at the top of my stairs, taunting me. another constant reminder of what isn’t going to happen.

but not sure if i’m ready to tackle that room. that reality.

3 thoughts on “reality

  1. Jodi, good for you. I can relate about trying to fill the void with tv. You are a brave woman. Know that I enjoy our class time. I love your “stage presence” and send you hugs.

    Like

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