and then there was one


embryo transfer day. magician sits us down to deliver the bad news. we lost another one. the 4-cell hadn’t grown in 24 hours. and the 2-cell had grown to 6-cell. still a grade 3. he offered to NOT transfer it if we so wished, the pros of that being they could observe it in the lab and if it arrested (stopped growing) before day 5 we wouldn’t have to go through 2 weeks of progesterone ass shots and emotional upheaval (read: con). and then in the same breath he said it’s worth a shot to put it back in the uterus, as the uterus often is more hospitable than a lab. he freely admitted the he has seen “ugly” embryos (aka MINE) turn out to be beautiful babies. but those cases are few and far between.

we decided to go through with the transfer. after everything we’d been through, we just couldn’t quit now. we’d given everything we could give to this cycle, so stopping now just didn’t feel right. the transfer went well, no issues. and i sat there for 10 minutes afterwards, a torrential downpour of tears from my eyes.  my heart has already quit. self-protection. my head knows logically this isn’t going to work. i want to jump off a pier and be swallowed up in cool water… my body weightless, floating aimlessly away from this nightmare. this can’t be happening. this is not real.

i know there is always a chance. but it is hard to remember why you started in the first place when you already feel like you’ve already lost.

8 thoughts on “and then there was one

  1. You poor little lamb 😦 Hard news is hard to find the positive in. However, I believe in miracles and if anyone deserves one…its you! Try to just go on as if these embryos were 100% ready. I think the Dr. is right in this case..the uterus is a much more comfortable place for them and just maybe thats exactly what they needed!! Sending you love, virtual hugs, and sticky vibes. xoxoxo


      1. Try to keep yourself busy. Go to the library, meet with friends, go see a funny movie, take a cooking class, host a baking party. You’ve come this far, you can get through anything!! Xoxo


  2. I would have done the same, if given the choice to watch & wait, or transfer & wait. All the best to you! I’ve read & heard the same, about less than stellar embies becoming perfectly healthy little babies. I feel like their best chance at survival is exactly where they belong. I’m sorry you didn’t get any to freeze. I didn’t in any of my 3 cycles either. It sucks when you see other women having entire football teams to freeze but it really only does take one. I wish you all the best! Xx


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