peaks and valleys

life is full of them. they surprise you with their arrival and departure, usually at the most inopportune time. and this journey is no different. i’m no stranger to the highs and lows… the ebbs and flows of this infertility tide. but just because i’m used to them sadly does not mean i’m prepared to bear that weight again.

magician called me this morning for day 2 embryo report. he got right down to the nitty gritty. there is 1 4-cell embryo. Oh okay, this is good! and there is 1 2-cell. hmm that’s just meh at this point. the third embryo has not continued to divide today. shit. 

there’s more. the 2 embryos that are growing are very fragmented, a term used to describe abnormal breaking off of cell parts, or fragments. research shows that highly-fragmented embryos are not successful. out of a grade of 1 to 4, 4 being the worst, they scored a 3.

can’t. breathe.  the tide is running out and carrying me with it. 

magician says we have to transfer tomorrow morning, to give them the best shot. he said they’re struggling. he hopes we HAVE something to transfer. oh my god. we may have nothing to transfer. all the work. sacrifice. pain. tears. 

this is not how this was supposed to go. there are no words to describe this feeling in my racing heart. i am hanging on a cliff, knuckles bleeding, gasping for air with nothing below me to catch me. just the gaping valley below. 

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