female sperm

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getting your blood drawn is considerably less painful if one is holding a squishy sperm. with pink lips on it. and eyelashes for daaaaaays. this is the truth people. i left magician’s office this morning laughing my ass off. where have they been hiding this gem? i’ve had about ten thousand needle sticks here, and not once have i had the good fortune of holding this sperm. i want to come get my blood drawn tomorrow. and the next day. because a ginormous smiling female spermie cradled in your hand completely distracts you from a giant needle in your arm. it does. scout’s honor.

luckily i left laughing. because the appointment was not so hot. dildo cam ready to go… and set… wait for it… magician drew his lips together and sighed. damnit. he was quiet. more than normal. he asked assistant “how many follicles did we see on the right last time?” … flipping through my chart she says “1.” he sighed again. sh*t. right ovary has completely left the race. not a GD horse to be found. deep breaths, seriously ovary??? you have ONE job. not that you remember, but my 1st IVF cycle righty might as well have sent all the horses to the glue factory. i think it made 1 or 2 by the time of retrieval? so maybe i shouldn’t be surprised. lefty, always my strong side (thank god), has continued to let the race run. i have *maybe* 8 horses on the left, all growing slowly but steadily. but 1-2 of them are so tiny they may have no chance in hell of winning. which means we are looking at 6-7 horses that stand a chance. ugh. i was hoping for more. more horses= more chances that i might actually get a GOOD embryo.

apparently i want it all? is that so much to ask? magician told me he is optimistic. sure, it’s easy to see the glass half full when you aren’t on the other end of the dildo cam. something about “you blossom late”. um, awkward. i’m sure he was making some nerdy science-y reference about my ovaries or something, but all i could think about was puberty and getting my period and all the uncomfortableness of that. thanks magician.

so that’s where we’re at. i think i’ll be injecting stims forever at this rate. i might cry. my belly could use a break. i’m a nurse. i’ve probably given, i don’t know, 91,722,312,849 subQ shots. and yet this week i have managed to give myself not one, but THREE hematomas. wearing pants hurts. sweats are back in style, right? so dumb.

if only i had a squishy sperm of my own, maybe it would take the sting away.

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