wasn’t my turn.  not this time.  not today.  and i’m sorry. i feel like i’m letting you all down. it’s bad enough letting myself down, and husband and son. and while i appreciate so much all the love and support you all give me, at the same time it almost makes it harder to tell you when things go badly.  the mounting anticipation heightens the excitement and then, like clockwork, i steal the wind right from your sails.

people tell me i’m brave to share this heartbreaking journey with everyone.  i felt brave when i started it. it was liberating to feel the weight of this “secret” rise up off my shoulders. i felt like the more i talked about it, and refused to let it control my life, in some way i controlled IT. i was the boss. but now i just feel selfish.  like i am take take taking and giving back nothing useful in return.  and clearly i’m not in control.

so i apologize. i feel like i need to. month after month. on what seems like an endless footrace that leads nowhere. and though i keep running i am stuck in one place, legs spinning in circles, watching everyone pass me by. 26 months and still going strong. who am i fooling. strong is the farthest thing from what i am feeling today. these legs are tired.