wait for it

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this. happened. squeeze your eyes nearly shut. turn your head to your right 38 degrees and then tilt the computer screen backwards 23 degrees. angle it facing SSW and you will see the faintest of faint line next to the insanely dark control line on that pee stick. *note: there must be a breeze of no more than 8mph blowing in a northwestern direction for this to be viewed with the naked eye.

wait for it.

today i am pregnant.

you read that right.

you may not see that line. that’s okay. it’s there. i promise. for all my pee-pushing trying-to-conceive infertility veterans, our eyes are trained to detect pee stick lines more than any other person on earth. and rightly so. sheer experience. over the last 2 years i’ve probably bought over 100 home pregnancy tests. yes, you read that right. or sheer compulsion. to pee, that is. on ANYTHING and everything. if it resembles a pee stick, i’m peeing on it. in fact, there have been times when friends have told me to stop stocking them in the house, because GDit i WILL pee on it no matter how inappropriate it is (i.e. peeing on it 5 days post ovulation [dpo] when no way in hell could a baby even have implanted yet,… read: i am insane.)

my motto is: i have to know AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN KNOW. i never understood those women who can wait until their period is late. whaaaaat? who does that??? but i’ve never had the luxury of a surprise pregnancy. every single one of the 5 has been planned, analyzed, some medicated, lab work, ultrasounds. so when i can know if i’m jumping back on that rollercoaster ride, i need to KNOW. after my ectopic, you can’t mess around with pregnancies. because the $64,000 question will always be “WHERE is this baby growing?” and until you can figure that out, no one breathes a damn breath. so you HAVE to know as soon as you CAN know.

and that brings us to this. wait for it.

that pee stick. with the faintest of faint line next to the dark control line. that pee stick registered a positive result on friday (11dpo). so naturally, i peed on every GD stick i had in the house. 4 different brands as a matter of fact, to make sure it wasn’t a fluke. because that shit happens sometimes, stupid false positives.

it was the real deal holyfield.

HOLY SHIT. but that line, that line is awful. it’s nearly non-existent.  so i pee’d on ALL the sticks the next day (12dpo). again, same ugly faint line. no darker. uh oh. sunday, pee, analyze stick. same ugly line. no darker. MFer. this is not looking good. monday.  rinse, repeat. no darker. should’ve started my period. nope. called magician. reported the weekend events. went for bloodwork to test HCG level (the hormone released by a growing fetus).

general medical consensus is that an HCG level must be greater than 5 to be considered “pregnant.” Most pregnancy tests can guarantee to detect HCG at a level of 25 or higher. Some are WAY more sensitive. when i had my ectopic, i got positive pregnancy tests with a level of 7. but even THOSE pee sticks had darker lines than these ones.

wait for it.

saw magician in office today. “your HCG level is 9.”

today i am pregnant. but this is bad. that number should be at least in the 20’s.

“we need to do more blood work in a few days to follow this HCG level. if it’s going down, than we know it is a chemical pregnancy (read: not viable). if it’s going up we need to keep following it, with concern for another ectopic.”

fuck.

wait for it.

the rug.

under my feet.

it’s already being pulled from beneath me.

someone, anyone, please, let me off this roller coaster. i want a refund. i want a do-over. this can’t be happening again.

2 thoughts on “wait for it

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