this guy is eggcited.
see what i did there? despite what his face says, he is eggstatic. again, i am hilarious. i swear he is thrilled in that picture. we were perusing the aisles today and easter decorations were out in full force (you know, because we haven’t even celebrated St. Patty’s Day yet but don’t get me started) and he started screaming “YEASTER EGGS!!!!” and 0.5 seconds later was vaulting over the cart to “see them” with his hands. he was paralyzed with enthusiasm. i too get excited over eggs, but not the kind filled with candies and chocolate. i prefer those that make tiny squishy humans. but there was no eggcitement on my end today. today i am paralyzed with frustration.
saw magician yesterday to see how the horses were running. we had been suspicious that one horse had left the gate early but wanted to try some stimulation meds to see if the whole pack could get running… houston, this is ovaries, over. we have visual confirmation. horse is running wild. abort mission, abort mission.
f*ck. my body can’t even PREP for infertility treatments correctly. what the hell, body. that’s TWICE now a horse has taken off despite increased doses of hormones that should actually paralyze the horse. it’s one thing to fail, and put your head down and work hard to succeed. throw everything at it and eventually your hard work pays off. and then it’s on a whole different level to FAIL at failing.
leave it to me to achieve that.
so here i am again, failing at failing to bear a child. in fact, i’m in a worse boat this time around compared to last time. it’s not even worth trying IUI since i have only 1 lousy follie. one rogue egg. after stabbing myself with thousands of dollars of medications… i get one follie. and it can’t even follow directions. apparently lady luck is housesitting somewhere else. so where does that leave me? well, we will just “try naturally” this cycle and i am going to have a plumber take a look at the pipes again. it’s called an HSG (hysterosalpingogram). it is just as fun as it sounds. said no uterus, ever. i had one done back in May last year and i cried through the whole thing, it’s quite uncomfortable. it involves straws and plungers and x-rays, and lots and lots of cramping. wait, why do i want to subject myself to this??
because i like torture? well, i want to ensure that my one remaining jacked up tube is, in fact, open and able to pick up the egg from my ovary. i worry that it’s not functioning. the previous HSG said that my tube was constricted at the tail-end and just the teensiest bit of dye (contrast) was able to jettison through the tube and spill into my abdomen. but we have not been able to even GET pregnant in 7 months. 7 months of trying and still nothing. as that may sound ridiculous and baby-greedy, let me remind you that GETTING pregnant was never the problem. it was keeping the pregnancy that i sucked at. now it appears we are dealing with all of the above. so i can’t help but think something has changed. and i can’t spend one more ounce of energy, time, emotion and money on treatments like IUI or “trying naturally” if the plumbing is clogged. it would be entirely futile. so i’m willing to gut it out to get some peace of mind. i could use some good news.
so Easter, chill out for a bit, i’m trying to siphon some luck of the Irish here.