tickets, please.

welp… we are heading back to the races people. saw magician a couple times last week and this week and so far things are shaping up nicely for IVF 2.1. holding breath…

no lead horses. yet.

no weird cysts. yet.

so far all is quiet on the ovarian front. eerily quiet… you guys, i am 1 dildo cam experience away from jumping in with both feet… if everything looks good tomorrow we are a GO.

this excites me to no end while simultaneously terrifies me to my core. i so badly want this to work for a million reasons, most of which being that we would finally have our baby (duh). my heart would feel full again (almost)… and i would know all the sacrifices that i, my husband, and my son have made to get to that glorious moment were worth it… there are no words for how i would feel. the overwhelming feelings from every angle. love, happiness, relief, closure, you name it. and every iota of suffering. every surgery. every tear. every sleepless night. it would be worth it. to hold that baby in my arms.

and i am struck by fear. because this is it. there are no more chances. there is no IVF 3.0. not unless pigs fly and shower my house in 100 dollar bills y’all. clearly IUI is a joke. thanks for playing, body! and if i can’t have a baby with IVF where does that leave me. i cannot go down that road, the “we are done trying” conversation. just thinking about having to have that talk brings tears to my eyes. i just. can’t. even. but what is my alternative? try naturally forever and risk how many more ectopics? how many more hospitalizations? how many more miscarriages? am i strong enough for that? i really don’t know. i don’t have those answers. because with each consecutive loss the pain swallows me up that much more, takes that much more away from me. i know i’m not at my breaking point right now, obviously i’m not ready to be “done” but i’m teetering on the edge and i’m certain i could go in either direction depending on the wind.

and i can’t bear the question anymore.

“so when are you going to have another?”

hey everyone… PSA. don’t say that to any woman on earth ever again. because you may have no idea the literal hell she may be going through. maybe she can’t ever GET pregnant. maybe she can only lose her babies. maybe she just lost her child this week. and here you are with your nosy and VERY personal words grinding jagged salt in her open wound.

“when they stop dying in my uterus.”

i really told people that. more than once. that would shut them up real quick. i didn’t care how i came across. i was bitter. and hurt. and still am. it STILL hurts. you don’t get to forget that kind of pain. i’m nicer about it now though, i think? i smile awkwardly and shift the conversation to how busy amazing son keeps me /i can’t possibly think of taking on more challenges right now/we haven’t even thought about that. then i force a high-pitched laugh and as i walk away i side-eye the shit out of them. hey nosy stranger, thanks for reminding me i’m failing at the most basic human skill here.  so take my advice people, don’t even go there. for everyone’s sake.

with this cycle about to begin, knowing it is most likely my last shot in hell, i have to avoid thinking about the very real possibility that i may never have another child. someone please tell me how to do this. it is incredibly hard. because i’ve got to get my game face on. start the positive mental attitude self-talk. meditate. levitate. get hypnotized. mesmerized. acupunctured. drink the punch. whatever it takes. let’s do this.

5 thoughts on “tickets, please.

  1. Good on you, seriously. Saying the honest truth like that requires a huge set of balls. I f*cking love it. Say it more. Get it printed on a t-shirt.
    You can do this, you got this. Look how fired up you are! How passionate! You aren’t ready to give up because you don’t have to! You can do it, put your back into it 😉

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  2. I wish I couldn’t relate. I’m heading into ivf #3 for baby #2 next cycle (unless I happen to be starting a new job, then I’ll switch to the ‘useless’ IUI, just to feel like the month wasn’t a complete waste. Hang in there. Try as much as you can to just go with it. I can’t believe I have to go through another freaking ivf cycle, but hey, our bodies are real bitches sometimes. Sending you all good thoughts. Xx

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