i want to slap her.
sometimes when you are wanting something so badly, putting all your energy into it, you make yourself believe all that work will pay off. you convince yourself it WILL work. it HAS to. because you are giving 150%. because, well, science. and because, for god’s sake, you’e been in this situation 18283767653 times and based on sheer numbers, ONE of these times the odds must be in your favor, right?
once again i am reminded the universe is a sick and twisted bitch who’s sole purpose in her existence is to watch me give my 150%, invest my hopes and dreams while pretending it’s no big deal guys, only to slap me in the face with a stark white pee stick and laugh maniacally. month. SLAP. after. month. SLAP. rinse. repeat. i imagine she is super fertile too. of course she would be. because, universe.
not pregnant. that’s what i am today. SLAP. i get to add “failed iui” to my infertility belt now. yay! what a joke. so now i pick myself up off the ground, ice my stinging cheek, and try to tell myself that insanity is NOT doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. who’s with me? anyone?
hey 2015, you were supposed to be my year, remember? get your sh*t together already. i am unimpressed with your poor showing so far.
as for my perspective, it’s still there. i’m not a heaping pile of tears today. which is an improvement. even on a small level. instead i’m angry. if you see the universe, you tell her i’m looking for her.