plans are for fools

i’m feeling so many different emotions this time around. surprisingly, disappointment isn’t one of them. i thought i’d be more upset that our plan for IVF 2.0 was cancelled. but i’m not. i think i’m actually relieved because it had such a craptastic start i wanted a do-over. and when given the chance to convert to IUI i thought i’d be excited for a second-chance… but what i’m really feeling is, well, meh. i’m not excited. i’m actually already thinking about next month and how 2.0 will eventually play out. isn’t that messed up? it’s like i’ve already accepted this won’t work. my brain is such a jerk. can’t even donate one iota of positivity for this IUI. speaking of IUI…

so i saw magician yesterday in a panic because i thought i had somehow “missed” my hormone surge indicating ovulation was coming (read: pretty sure i had f*cked everything up). i had been testing for ovulation twice a day and never getting a positive test. and all the regular signs of ovulation had disappeared (i won’t go into TMI detail here). i felt the wind leave my sails. if this was the case, if i had somehow ovulated already, IUI would be useless come next week and i’d have spent an extra almost $2,000 on nothing. which would totally be my luck. thankfully he got me into the office quickly and did an ultrasound to check it out.

my body was playing a nasty trick on me, Gigantor horse was still there! magician sort of side-eyed me for being so unsure of missing O. knock it off dude. i know my body. and something was off. but even more amazing was that 2-3 more horses appeared to be catching Gigantor. he said they *might* be mature enough by IUI time to contribute an egg. this could actually work you guys!

so i injected the trigger shot this afternoon and turkey basting is in T-minus 36 hours. everything is not going according to plan. as usual. meh. i’m not shocked by that. and i won’t make any plans… let’s just see how this plays out.

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