where is the universe?

i want to slap her.

sometimes when you are wanting something so badly, putting all your energy into it, you make yourself believe all that work will pay off. you convince yourself it WILL work. it HAS to. because you are giving 150%. because, well, science. and because, for god’s sake, you’e been in this situation 18283767653 times and based on sheer numbers, ONE of these times the odds must be in your favor, right?


once again i am reminded the universe is a sick and twisted bitch who’s sole purpose in her existence is to watch me give my 150%, invest my hopes and dreams while pretending it’s no big deal guys, only to slap me in the face with a stark white pee stick and laugh maniacally. month. SLAP. after. month. SLAP. rinse. repeat. i imagine she is super fertile too. of course she would be. because, universe.

she sucks.

not pregnant. that’s what i am today. SLAP. i get to add “failed iui” to my infertility belt now. yay! what a joke. so now i pick myself up off the ground, ice my stinging cheek, and try to tell myself that insanity is NOT doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. who’s with me? anyone?

hey 2015, you were supposed to be my year, remember? get your sh*t together already. i am unimpressed with your poor showing so far.

as for my perspective, it’s still there. i’m not a heaping pile of tears today. which is an improvement. even on a small level. instead i’m angry. if you see the universe, you tell her i’m looking for her.



it is easy to get lost in my “problems.”  my daily struggles are a constant, a nagging jab to the gut. and the more i focus on them, the larger they loom… isn’t that how it feels? ruminate on them long enough and what might have been a mere hangnail has now blossomed into a hemorrhaging laceration. for me, sometimes my problems threaten to swallow up my life. they are all i can feel. the pain, the hurt. the daily reminder of what i cannot have with every swollen belly that crosses my path. i think about the blood sweat and tears that have marked my path up to this point. the struggle. the highest highs and lowest of all lows. and i can easily lose perspective. i get so focused on what i don’t have, what i can’t seem to grasp, that i am oblivious to the far more important things in life.

like life itself.

one of my best friends has unknowingly given me some perspective this week, as i obsess over the brutal two week wait. someone near and dear to her heart was in a tragic car accident. by the grace of God she was inexplicably alive when she should have never left the scene of the crash. the doctors called it a miracle. not only was her life spared but she has already endured multiple surgeries to begin the repair of her badly broken body, the most recent one taking over 7 hours. and she came through strong.

talk about perspective. here i am, feeling like i’m barely treading water in my ocean of infertility. i have been oblivious to that potential tidal wave looming on the horizon, the one that can occur with no warning. the one that swallows you up in an instant and changes your world forever. i cannot begin to tell you how quickly my “problems” shrunk back to the size of that irritating hangnail.

life. breath. love.

everything else can fade away and i can be happy with those three things. let’s not get carried away people, i still have a cavernous hole in my heart for my babies. and i will continue to work hard to try to fill it. and i will still curse infertility and shake my fist at the universe at times. but infertility is not the most important thing in my life, though it easily feels that way. i cannot lose sight of the horizon.

this morning i was jarred awake to the melodious sounds of roofers incessantly pounding their hammers. dogs were barking. my son was already on track to be late for daycare. i had only slept 6 hours after getting home from work in the middle of the night, having been on my feet for a grueling 12 hour shift.

and i smiled. thank you God for giving me another day.

houston, we have lift off

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and that’s it folks. mission accomplished today.

what strikes me as strange is after going through the extensive process of IVF this IUI process felt like a quick warm up, a little jog around the block. a test flight. a few shots here… a few ultrasounds there… and a quick 10 minute turkey basting and BOOM, see you in 2 weeks. that was pretty damn easy. and much less stressful if i do say so myself.

magician took a look at everything beforehand… Gigantor horse was a no-show. gone. MIA. arrivederci. now the biggest follie on the left was 12mm,… Houston, we had ovulation. Righty’s biggest follie had measured 13-ishmm on Saturday, which should be 17ish today and that too was nowhere to be found. HOUSTON…do you copy? we have ovulated TWO eggs. wait, i thought we didn’t want to ovulate yet?? magician said it’s a-ok, IUI is effective just after ovulation, within 6 hours. he was happy so i was happy. but holy hell people, TWO! two of them. i’m floored. i started to think this trick might have actually worked.

so now we have lift off. i get to spend the next 2 weeks in orbit, circling the world of what ifs. trying not to get my hopes up, not to allow my feet to leave the ground. after all, this was more a crapshoot than IVF 1.0. far too often my hopes are dashed, the rug is pulled out from beneath me almost as fast as it was placed there. and i can’t handle any more of that. so for now i will remain glued to the ground until told otherwise.

plans are for fools

i’m feeling so many different emotions this time around. surprisingly, disappointment isn’t one of them. i thought i’d be more upset that our plan for IVF 2.0 was cancelled. but i’m not. i think i’m actually relieved because it had such a craptastic start i wanted a do-over. and when given the chance to convert to IUI i thought i’d be excited for a second-chance… but what i’m really feeling is, well, meh. i’m not excited. i’m actually already thinking about next month and how 2.0 will eventually play out. isn’t that messed up? it’s like i’ve already accepted this won’t work. my brain is such a jerk. can’t even donate one iota of positivity for this IUI. speaking of IUI…

so i saw magician yesterday in a panic because i thought i had somehow “missed” my hormone surge indicating ovulation was coming (read: pretty sure i had f*cked everything up). i had been testing for ovulation twice a day and never getting a positive test. and all the regular signs of ovulation had disappeared (i won’t go into TMI detail here). i felt the wind leave my sails. if this was the case, if i had somehow ovulated already, IUI would be useless come next week and i’d have spent an extra almost $2,000 on nothing. which would totally be my luck. thankfully he got me into the office quickly and did an ultrasound to check it out.

my body was playing a nasty trick on me, Gigantor horse was still there! magician sort of side-eyed me for being so unsure of missing O. knock it off dude. i know my body. and something was off. but even more amazing was that 2-3 more horses appeared to be catching Gigantor. he said they *might* be mature enough by IUI time to contribute an egg. this could actually work you guys!

so i injected the trigger shot this afternoon and turkey basting is in T-minus 36 hours. everything is not going according to plan. as usual. meh. i’m not shocked by that. and i won’t make any plans… let’s just see how this plays out.

did someone call a plumber?

eye ewe eye.

or maybe aye you aye.

or if you’re of the hispanic flavor ¡ay ay ay! (okay i realize there is no “you” in there)

however you want to spell it, sound it out, or read it, it means exactly the same thing in the end: IVF 2.0 is shelved. [for now.] audible sigh.

dildo cam this morning confirmed that the lone horse had, in fact, left the gate early and with that, gone and f*cked messed everything up royally. oh happy day. it now measures 13mm and all the rest of the horses are mostly still at 5mm a piece. magician took a look in his bag of tricks and could only pull out the tried-and-true IUI razzle dazzle. which i am 100% on board with. no way in hell am i going to undergo the emotionally, physically and mentally taxing event that is IVF unless the stars are aligning in my ovaries. but i  have to admit i am disappointed that there remains such a stark difference in sizes between the lead horse and all the rest. my hope was that i could have 2 (or 3 if i was so lucky) follicles be mature-enough at the SAME time just before doing the IUI procedure. that way i could maximize the chances of one of those follicles being a “good” one. but with crazy horse running full throttle i’m not so happy.

magician said we could either scrap all the meds and proceed au naturale (for the IUI), or do some really lose dose stimulation for the next few days in hopes 1 or 2 can catch up in time. at this point i’m feeling like i need to give it my “all”, sort of throw everything at it that i can in hopes that something will stick. so i agreed. set an appointment for thursday morning to see how the horses are running. in the mean time i have to monitor for the signs of impending ovulation (sounds like nuclear warfare). essentially pee on a bunch of sticks that will let me know if i’m about to drop the egg(s). we don’t want any surprises. nothing like showing up for the procedure and whoops, you already ovulated. ¡ay ay ay!

so then i’m all set to leave and learned  i had a surprise saline sonohystogram coming my way. say what? which is not nearly as fun as it sounds. magician thought it wise to flood my insides with saline while jamming multiple straws and cameras up there too to get a good look at the pipes. you know, looking for tree roots or something that can clog stuff up. thankfully i will not be requiring a plumber at this point in time.

hey… at least SOMETHING went right today, right?

back to the races

well it’s showtime again. i’ve got my ticket in hand and fancy hat on, ready to get these horses running already. had my break. it was good. now let’s do this.

SO. went to see magician last week (i know! i’ve been meaning to update but this thing called the holidays happened and well, nothing got accomplished except cocktails every night and pie. lots and lots of pie). i had been taking estrogen and progesterone for a bit to “calm down the horses” and help get them lined up in the gate. on monday i had an ultrasound (oh dildo cam, how i missed you not) and the horses looked good. sigh of relief. except wait what? there appeared to be 2 possible cysts on righty. of course it’s righty. the very same guy who didn’t show up to play in IVF 1.0 is acting a fool again. magician said let’s take the hormones for 2 more days and then i’ll see you friday (yesterday). if everything looks good, we’ll start meds for IVF 2.0. sweet.

so yesterday i had another ultrasound. righty was beautiful. no cysts. HALLELUJAH. horses were lined up at 4-5mm each. HOORAY! magician used the word “fabulous.” it’s hard to please him so i was tickled pink. let’s do this!! IVF 2.0 here we come.

aaaand cue rug getting pulled out: lefty now had a “possibly pre-recruited” follie at 10mm. all the other follies were 4-5mm. pre-recruited means my body had chosen this horse to be the dominant one. ultimately meaning he thought this horse might had left the gate already. WTF body. thanks a lot. magician was quiet. face scrunched up. he spent 19 minutes rubbing his chin, contemplating his next trick. no joke. i watched the clock. after what felt like eternity he ultimately came down to 2 possible WTF situations and how we would proceed.

A) this horse has left the gate. which means the other horses will not catch up in time no matter how much stimulation medication i take. IVF 2.0 will be cancelled (because it’s a total waste to do the whole shebang for 1 follie). instead, we will convert this cycle to an IUI. imagine a turkey baster… yup. that’s IUI. we would do a small dose of meds over the weekend and another ultrasound Monday. if follie has grown, we will continue to monitor growth and time the IUI procedure with ovulation. and pray for a miracle. with taking some stimulation meds we are hoping for multiple follies to form and mature in time rather than just the 1 my body would normally make each month. you know, the more follies the more chances there’s an egg in there that ISN’T an old lady egg with abnormal chromosomes. READ: a take-home baby.

B) this horse hasn’t left the gate, it’s actually a cyst that showed up to f*ck everything up. magician said he’s seen it happen where that big one actually is a cyst and doesn’t affect the IVF cycle from proceeding. [but wasn’t he worried about the possible 2 cysts on righty?] with all the chin-stroking i don’t feel confident. so, if monday’s ultrasound shows it hasn’t grown i think magician will say we can continue with IVF 2.0. but i am going to put the breaks on it. no thanks. this is my last shot. we cannot financially do IVF 3.0. this is it. this has to be perfect. i’m not comfortable moving forward with this already rocky start. it has to be textbook. or pretty damn close to textbook. since nothing about baby-making for me is textbook.

so that’s where we are. i’m taking small dose meds this weekend and anxiously awaiting monday’s appointment. and surprisingly i feel okay about this cycle NOT being my IVF cycle. i actually feel relaxed about everything. i’m not biting my nails with each appointment. i’m not staying up at night worried about this or that. maybe because this isn’t my first rodeo? or perhaps the break was exactly what i needed to get in the right frame of mind. or maybe it was all the cocktails. whatever the case, i somehow am feeling stronger this time around. and i like it.

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