haunted

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i’ll love you forever, i’ll like you for always, as long as i’m living, my baby you’ll be

this is my living locket. i carry my babies in this locket, as i cannot carry them safely in my broken body. so instead i keep them here, close to my heart. in every sense that i can. the 4 birthstones inside are those of my angels (December 4th, February 7th, October 30th, and April 9th) and the charm in the shape of a small boy is for amazing son. truly he is a miracle.

today is especially hard for me. and before i jump into this black hole of emotion i want to give you full permission to stop reading now. seriously. no judgement. i won’t think any less of you. in fact, i may commend you for stopping the insanity.

today i should be having a baby. we found out we were pregnant february 18th. i remember the day exactly because we had tickets to see The Book of Mormon that night, and i suddenly did not mind at all that i would be the lone sober sister in the theatre. we were pregnant. and shocked. and forced awkward smiles as we ate dinner before the show. we wished we could be like any other normal couple. elated, no, ecstatic at the news. but those couples get to bring home babies with every positive pregnancy test. we instead were terrified. it had felt like an eternity had passed since the loss of our baby the previous summer. in hindsight, though, six months of trying for a child is a drop in the bucket of the abyss of infertility. and somehow we were once again given the ultimate gift, and with trepidation and cautious optimism we buckled up for what we hoped would be a smooth ride.

there are no seat belts for this.

this ride started off bad. really, really bad.

OB/GYN: “you’re lab work says you are not, in fact, pregnant. are you bleeding yet? no? well, you should start soon. i’m sorry.”

me: i’m sorry, what? i have 16 pee sticks telling me otherwise. :::cue devastation::: they just told me i’m going to lose this baby, if i haven’t already. :::heart breaking::: how is this happening again?

(3 days later and still not bleeding)

me: i pee’d on another stick and the line is darker. shouldn’t it be lighter or gone?

OBGYN: “hmm, that’s odd. :::more lab work::: your blood test shows you ARE actually pregnant. but your numbers are really really low. are you bleeding yet? you will probably start soon.”

another knife to the heart. okay, so NOW i’m going to miscarry. let me brace myself. :::heart shattering:::  i bleed all weekend. it’s over. that’s it. i am crushed. devastated. in disbelief to find myself here, in this gut-wrenching pain yet again. how many times do i have to suffer this broken record? why is this happening again?

(5 days later i pee on a stick, hopeful it will be stark white and i can trust that my body “reset” itself.)

me: holy god. the line is the darkest it’s ever been. i call OB.

OBGYN: “that’s odd. :::more lab tests:::  well, this is strange. your numbers have really climbed. maybe we just caught this pregnancy really early. let’s follow you closely and if baby is growing appropriately we should be able to see him on ultrasound in a week or so. but there is a great chance this is going to be an ectopic pregnancy. are you bleeding yet?”

they don’t make seat belts for this. no safety net can catch you, no parachute keeps you from hitting the ground face first. i’ll save you the million details. i have spent too many hours agonizing over them, you need not be subjected to that. this ride ended with 2 visits to the ER and confirmation that just when you think it can’t get worse, it can and will. not only was my pregnancy doomed with a baby that wasn’t growing at the right rate, baby was no where to be found. until i started bleeding into my abdomen. hospitalization and surgery left me with no baby. only 1 fallopian tube. and a prescription to see the magician.

OBGYN: “the baby was in your left fallopian tube. it was damaged beyond repair. your other tube is very scarred and abnormal looking. in my opinion you may never have a successful “natural” pregnancy again.”

me: “…” (there are no words. none.)

fast forward 9 months and here i am today, thursday, 10/30/2014. my EDD. one of 4 that jump at me from the calendar each year. the calendar is your enemy when you suffer these struggles. it haunts you with reminders of what will never be. oh god, and if you and a friend happened to be pregnant at the same time? kill yourself now, for you are forced to witness the never-ending reminders of how old your baby would be, what your baby would be doing now, you name it… with every harmless Instagram pic of that sweet baby you are stabbed in the heart with reminders of what you will not experience. i once viewed this day, 10/30/2014, with anticipation, and dreamt that it would bring me joy and happiness. that this time would be different. that i had suffered enough and surely i would be rewarded. that this pregnancy would break the bad luck. instead today is unbearably hard. 7 months have passed and i am now reeling from a failed IVF cycle coming on the heels of yet another miscarriage. i call that a loss.

maybe i’m being unfair. too hard on myself. that’s what they are telling me. it’s completely out of my control. hey everyone, i know this. but knowing does nothing to lessen the pain.

instead of holding my newborn child this morning i held my living miracle in my arms and squeezed him tighter than ever before. i recognize more than ever before that these moments are fleeting. this week i told myself to try to be in the present. try to focus on little things that make me happy, and i am trying. sure, i am underachieving. i’ll freely admit that. but i am trying.

so when my miracle looks up at me and says “i wuv you sweetie mama” i am completely swept away… holding back a torrential downpour of tears i tell him how i’ll love him forever.

and you too, littlest butterfly. may my love find you in the clouds.

One thought on “haunted

  1. Life is comprised of many accomplishments and many setbacks. Today was a bittersweet day. I can only imagine the painful reminder along with the joy of Kellen. I love you, I’m daughter as you are my joy.

    Like

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