i don’t know where to begin, really.
it’s monday. 88 injections since IVF started. endless blood draws. 20 months that we have actively been trying to bring home our baby. the one our hearts have been crying for. 11 weeks since i lost our most recent baby. 9 ultrasounds. 7 months since i lost our 3rd baby to an ectopic pregnancy. 6 weeks of acupuncture. 5 weeks of being a walking pharmacy. and 3 days until a due date is here for which i have no baby to hold.
and for 3 days now i’ve been hiding a secret.
just typing that out is a dagger to the heart. i’ve been in hiding from you until i got the official call today. i couldn’t bear the wait. i had to take a pregnancy test. i couldn’t knowingly go into this morning’s blood draw blind and unprepared. i am not strong enough to bear the crushing blow all at once. in my mind it would be easier to gradually see my hope slipping away with each negative home pregnancy test. each stark white stick would be like an additional tiny little voice saying “well, we knew there was no guarantee…” and it was easier, in hindsight. easi-ER. but by no means easy. this is the hardest thing i have ever endured. and i’ve been through some shit. i put it all out there. i put in all that i could. 200%. and i have no regrets. and yet somehow that does nothing to ease the pain of disappointment.
magician’s office called me not too long ago (NOT EVEN MAGICIAN, geez): “unfortunately your beta-HCG level is 2, confirming you did not become pregnant. go ahead and stop all your medication and we’ll follow up with you this week. did you want to speak with the doctor?”
me: :::long pause::: collect yourself. breathe. you KNEW this was coming, you are prepped for this call. breathe damnit and say something. anything. no that’s fine. i understand.
i lied. i don’t understand at all. you sit there and tell yourself “this is going to work, it HAS to!” and smile and think positive (!) and yay science. am i right? how could it NOT work. i don’t understand. all my effort, the pain, emotional investment, and incredible sacrifice at my body’s expense… has somehow evaporated into the air with the finality of that phone call, so as to leave no evidence behind. except i bear the marks. inside and out.
it failed. i failed. disappointment doesn’t do it justice. heart-wrenching devastation. crushing defeat. hollow. i feel like i need to apologize to you. i’ve brought your hopes up too and now nothing.
so what do i do. i torture myself and relive my only successful pregnancy via photos. i pore over them, my swollen belly, i can’t remember it ever being so big. did that really happen? i mean, i know it did, but it feels like a lifetime ago. i can’t stop looking at photos from adorable son’s infancy. i look at them and wrestle with my memory. i can’t remember how he felt in my arms, so tiny. i forget how perfectly delicious he smelled. and his soft skin. you forget these things. these little tidbits that now bring tears to my eyes. i know i cherished those moments at the time, sure. but the me then didn’t ever see this coming. because had i known then what rocky road lay ahead, i would have never put him down.
i failed. oh my sweet boy, mama is so very sorry. i so badly wanted this too.