that’s the exact number of injections i have given myself since september 28. damn. to say i feel like a pin cushion is the understatement of the year. people ask me about IVF and most often the question comes up: “do the shots really hurt?” no, silly friend, they feel amazing. hell yes they hurt. well, that’s not entirely true. to be totally honest, the heparin shots in my belly don’t hurt. at all. they do, however, leave a fun little constellation of bruises. this week i considered injecting myself in certain spots so as to make sad faces and such. oh the things we do to pass the time. but, the progesterone shots? well that my friends is a whole other beast. see that needle? it’s 1 1/2 inches long. the WHOLE thing dives into a muscle in my butt. every. damn. day. i want to cry just writing that. oh and let me mention the progesterone is in OIL. so it takes like 3 minutes to push the whole dosage into the muscle, it’s incredibly viscous. 180 seconds with a giant steel pipe sticking out of your ass. it feels amazing. said no one ever. it hurts to sit. or lay down. or stand. i no longer have 2 butt cheeks. they have been replaced with lumpy-pillow-like extensions of what used to be cheeks, in various stages of healing bruises. so sad. oh and that diagram of where to stick the needle? hilarious. no one’s butt looks like that. if they really want to be transparent, they should replace it with a pic of what your butt will look like post-injections. on second thought, maybe not... i think no woman would go through with it.
but this isn’t the pain olympics. not today. i’m not here to whine all over this blog. trust me, i could easily do that. today is about numbers.
what the heck does that mean. today i am 7 days post 3 day transfer. it’s been a week since magician placed my 3 day old babies back into Ute-opia. and for 7 loooooong days i have been STARING at the clock, wishing it to move faster. it’s killing me. it is too early to know for sure if i am pregnant, because if i took a home pregnancy test there is still a chance it would give me a false positive,. how is that possible you ask? because the trigger shot could still be floating around in my system, jacking up my hopes, just waiting to bring them crashing down. remember the trigger shot (which i gave myself on 10/8) is MADE of the same hormone that home pregnancy tests detect. hey science, that really sucks. magician makes you inject yourself with the “baby hormone” and then tells you “sure, go ahead and pee on that stick. do you see two lines there? yeah, sorry, that’s not a true pregnancy result. keep waiting.” what the hell.
that’s how many more days it will be until i have my blood draw to see if the magic happened. NEXT monday. THAT is how long magician wants to wait to ensure trigger shot is completely gone. he is crazy. who can wait that long. i sure as hell can’t.
today i am 12 days past trigger shot. Dr. Google cautions that the trigger can stay in your system on average 10 days. but of course there are some women who are lucky to have it float around their system for 14 days. i am sure i will be that lucky gal. oh Dr. Google. you are a bad bad person. why must you let me spend hours poring over pictures of other women’s pee sticks, analyzing them for darkness of test lines. why must you allow me to read these stories where women are getting legit big fat positive (BFPs) pregnancy tests on 6dp3dt. it’s going to drive me crazy. why why why. put away the computer.
this morning, and every morning, i woke up and reached over to my nightstand to look at that photo of my three. the photo of hopes and dreams. and like every morning before this one, i took a deep breath and said a prayer for a miracle. that this worked. and also that time would hurry the f*ck up already. i am DYING to know.