day 11 – hope

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hello dear friend. how i missed you so.

ladies and gents, for your viewing pleasure, i give you…dildo cam. my most favorite team member in this process. thought i would introduce him to everyone seeing as how none of this would be possible without him. it’s true, without this awesome technology at our hands of ultrasounds and laboratories and fancy schmancy embryologists, people in my situation would be without hope… so for that, Mr. Cam, i thank you. but this shall be your only shout-out, after all, working with you makes me pretty uncomfortable.

now that we are all friends let’s talk about hope. i could really use some.

so we saw magician last friday for a regular ultrasound to see how the follies were growing (how the horses were racing, let us not forget that amazing analogy.) lefty was showing solid effort with 7 horses racing at the same speed, getting bigger as expected. righty was teasing me with the arrival of a donkey. it wants to be a horse but never will. that’s almost more insulting than being a no-show. thanks a lot, righty.

RE still was pleased, telling me i was having a “good” cycle. not bad. but not great. meaning i could definitely have less horses running, or on the flip side, a ton of horses racing. so i stayed optimistic, meditated, did my medication regimen and caught a wicked cold/sinus infection. my teeth were trying to fall out, they ached so badly. so i went to see acupuncturist because needles can cure anything. i’d like to take this opportunity to caution anyone thinking it’s a good idea to get acupuncture when you’re sick. it might have been the worst idea known to man. he prefaced treatment plan with “you are sick so your skin will be more sensitive, and i’m going to treat you today for your symptoms.” and then he put needles in my neck. MY NECK. it was then that i seriously thought i was going to die. could he have pierced my lymph nodes?? visions of sweet childhood memories flashed before my eyes. i swear that needle is in my jugular.  i could smell my mom’s home cooked cuban black beans. i am going to rip these needles out of my neck and make a run for it.  i could hear my son’s laughter, and see his toothy smile. sweet baby jesus make it stop. the pain was pretty intense. i had never felt that during acupuncture. it was always a relaxing, soothing feeling. this was the 7th circle of hell. by the grace of God i survived the 20 min of “rest” time, feeling entirely rejuvenated my ass. i had to get the hell out of there. but looking back, i kid you not, that sinus infection is gone. in 3 days. that NEVER happens.

so i saw magician again today for another ultrasound. hello again Mr. Cam. and now is the part of the story where we need the hope. lefty has only 5 horses now. not sure if 2 jumped the fence.. maybe they were sacrificed for glue? who knows. and righty is refusing to allow that donkey to fulfill it’s dreams of being a real horse. so there’s no real hope for anything coming out of righty now.

which means we have 5. RE cautioned us that not all follies have an egg inside. they hope they do but it’s not always the case. but he said the horses look good. he thinks he wants to delay egg retrieval one day to allow the horses to race a little more (mature more) but we will make a decision tomorrow when we do another ultrasound.

5 may sound like a lot. you are sitting there shaking you head at me muttering how greedy i am. and i know “it only takes one egg to make a baby.” and please God, please, let there one perfect little egg in those follies. but in reality, i’m not going to get 5 embryos. i may start with 5. and maybe only 4 fertilize. and then as they grow maybe 1 just stops growing. so that’s 3 left. and then at day 3 of growth only 2 look symmetrical and “normal”. or maybe not. maybe none do. these situations are more the norm. it’s almost unheard of that someone has 10 embryos “make it” out of 10 follicles retrieved.

this is what i am worried about. this is why i need hope. it’s getting down to the wire, i am trying with all my might to stay positive, but i’m struggling right now. this week is going to be really trying. i’m trying to stay distracted… and trying to keep the hope.

:::audible sigh:::

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