royal pain

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brilliant.

the royal princess and her proper uterus is pregnant again. all of 13 seconds after having his royal sweetness. that was JUST what i wanted to hear first thing this morning.

cue logging into facebook to three… count them,THREE… more pregnancy announcements.

shutting the computer…

can we have a do-over?

this is the bitch about infertility.  it never gets easier seeing/hearing/reading about people getting pregnant. never. ever. each announcement is like salt in a gaping wound. and the cruelest part is that it hurts no matter what stage of your journey you are stuck in. when i was trying for #1 and people were getting pregnant left and right, it hurt. in hindsight, of course, that was the least painful part, but i remember feeling the sting then.  even after having my son hearing announcements still hurt. isn’t that totally messed up? i should be HAPPY for them, especially knowing firsthand just how many things have to go RIGHT to have that baby. (it’s 29817254 things in case you are wondering). in my head i knew i should be happy for them. and yet my heart couldn’t bear to be. i didn’t have any reserve.

infertility robs that of you, it ROBS you of being able to feel joy for your friends on one of the happiest moments in their lives. it steals your ability to put aside your darkness and shower someone in love and the light that they so desperately deserve. and THAT, my friends, is the worst feeling: feeling like an utter asshole because you can’t be happy for your friends. it’s not about being selfish and envious, it’s about protecting your already-shattered heart. how can you genuinely smile when you are holding back a torrential downpour of tears? how can you live with lying to them? because that’s what i’d be doing, lying. desperately pretending and WANTING to be genuine but lying nonetheless. so i back away, quietly, and close up the doors.  so i respectfully decline shower invites and hope they understand. i block people on facebook not because i don’t like them anymore now that they’re pregnant but i cannot bear one more ultrasound picture or post about a pregnancy complaint. i can’t. the wheels will fall off and this train will derail. and i hope they understand. and if they don’t… well… can i really blame them? 

thank you, your royal fertileness, for another gut punch. sod off.

 

4 thoughts on “royal pain

  1. lol, every post is like you’re in my head…I love your fearlessness and willingness to share. Keep being the voice, it reminds me I’m not alone and not a total asshole because it hurts to share in other people’s joy.

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  2. I remember after my 2nd miscarriage, finding out a friend was pregnant with twins. I sobbed for a long time, and felt so guilty. felt all those things… you’ve expressed it really well. you’re surviving. your true friends will understand that.

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  3. As I read your blog, I can see how much you are struggling and how much heartbreak you are feeling, I would like for you to give my perspective a chance. While I can absolutely empathize, I also think a lot of this comes down to how you feel about the gifts you have. My own son is nearly the same age as yours, and was our second attempt having lost the first to a 1st trimester miscarriage. The pregnancy was absolutely normal in every way, however I went into preterm labor at 32 weeks. An emergency C-section, followed by 4 days of close observation of myself, in addition to 19 long days in the NICU for my son ensued. My husband and I had originally planned on having 2 kids, however after nearly losing both my own life and the life of our newborn, our priorities changed. I’ll never forget how relieved my doctor was, weeks later during a follow up when she gave me the green light to have another child and I told her that my husband had just had a vasectomy. As she hugged me she said: “I didn’t want to tell you not to have more kids as their is no scientific reason why this pregnancy went wrong – nor any reason why the next one would do the same, but I am glad to hear that your not going to try for another.” I can’t look at a newborn without thinking about wanting one of my own. But, to think that my son could potentially grow up without a mommy just because our “life plan” was to have 2 children is just something I can’t bear. But, everyday he proves to me just how amazing he can be and how much better my life is for having him. So what if life threw me a curve ball? I have a fantastic son that’s a daily reminder of how lucky I am. And for us, the choice that we made to not have more kids was the right decision. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t come with the thoughts of never having to hold another newborn baby of my own….but we have come to terms with our new “life plan”. I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but I just see how you are struggling and hope that this may give you another perspective.

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