the royal princess and her proper uterus is pregnant again. all of 13 seconds after having his royal sweetness. that was JUST what i wanted to hear first thing this morning.
cue logging into facebook to three… count them,THREE… more pregnancy announcements.
shutting the computer…
can we have a do-over?
this is the bitch about infertility. it never gets easier seeing/hearing/reading about people getting pregnant. never. ever. each announcement is like salt in a gaping wound. and the cruelest part is that it hurts no matter what stage of your journey you are stuck in. when i was trying for #1 and people were getting pregnant left and right, it hurt. in hindsight, of course, that was the least painful part, but i remember feeling the sting then. even after having my son hearing announcements still hurt. isn’t that totally messed up? i should be HAPPY for them, especially knowing firsthand just how many things have to go RIGHT to have that baby. (it’s 29817254 things in case you are wondering). in my head i knew i should be happy for them. and yet my heart couldn’t bear to be. i didn’t have any reserve.
infertility robs that of you, it ROBS you of being able to feel joy for your friends on one of the happiest moments in their lives. it steals your ability to put aside your darkness and shower someone in love and the light that they so desperately deserve. and THAT, my friends, is the worst feeling: feeling like an utter asshole because you can’t be happy for your friends. it’s not about being selfish and envious, it’s about protecting your already-shattered heart. how can you genuinely smile when you are holding back a torrential downpour of tears? how can you live with lying to them? because that’s what i’d be doing, lying. desperately pretending and WANTING to be genuine but lying nonetheless. so i back away, quietly, and close up the doors. so i respectfully decline shower invites and hope they understand. i block people on facebook not because i don’t like them anymore now that they’re pregnant but i cannot bear one more ultrasound picture or post about a pregnancy complaint. i can’t. the wheels will fall off and this train will derail. and i hope they understand. and if they don’t… well… can i really blame them?
thank you, your royal fertileness, for another gut punch. sod off.