benched

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frustrated doesn’t even come close to how i’m feeling this morning. pissed. annoyed. deflated. disappointed. irritated. sad.

so we started our IVF process almost 2 weeks ago after miscarrying our 4th baby… i started my suppression cycle by taking birth control pills. well, yesterday i had an appointment with my magician (reproductive endocrinologist) to see how my follicles were looking, and if everything looked calm, cool and collected i was to start stimulation medication this weekend. notice how i’m using the past tense already? :::ugh:::

oh hello dildo cam, i missed you so…. and first thing magician says is “hmmm…..”

DAMN.

you never want magician to be perplexed. never ever ever ever. i knew immediately we hit a roadblock. everything looks great with left ovary. 4-5 follicles ready to start ‘roids. uterus looks good. right ovary has suddenly gone ballistic and swelled up more than twice the size it should be. out of no where. 2 weeks ago it was normal. yesterday it was 40 shades of f*cked up. magician said it looked like it had secretly taken black market ‘roids and produced multiple eggs without our knowledge. ok he didn’t say that exactly, but that was the gist. i wracked my brain… what had changed in the last two weeks? i was on birth control, which should’ve SHRUNK my ovaries. UGH. my body can’t even properly prepare for treatments for its failure at reproducing. double fail. magician also suspected my HCG level (the one that is produced by a pregnancy) was still elevated (> 5) so i gave some blood to check it. yup. it is 16. triple fail.

so where does that leave me? BENCHED. for another month. stop the pill. see you in 2 weeks he says. i’m a pretty level headed, practical gal. i am fully on board with doing IVF under the best scenario possible. i want the best results, there’s no half-assing this. but i have to admit i am really upset about this. i want to cry and scream and punch things like my toddler. the only thing that was keeping everything together at the seams after losing my baby was jumping right into IVF. and now it’s come to a screeching halt and i am left in that sinking dark space again. just spinning my wheels. getting left behind. again.

vent over.

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