day of hope

today is august 19th.

most people don’t know that today is the Day of Hope, a day near and dear to my heart. a few years ago i learned about August 19th Day of Hope (the carly marie project) as i happened upon the website by chance. i welcome you to check it out here

last year i had posted an image on FB about the day of hope, but 365 days later and two more losses, a picture wasn’t enough. i felt compelled to act, to do SOMETHING. anything. if there is a lesson to be learned regarding infertility and loss it’s this: you can’t control a fucking thing. you can do everything within your power to have a baby, and it won’t happen. you can buy sperm friendly lube. take your temperature for 8127631265 days straight and overanalyze every dip of a tenth of a degree. you can pee on all the ovulation sticks. supplements for better egg quality, herbal remedies for fertility boost, special mantras and the list goes on. but in the end, you have ZERO control. but your neighbor’s 15 year-old daughter on crack can have a baby like THAT so F you universe.

so you move the focus to what you CAN control. after my first miscarriage i turned into the crazy coupon lady. dead serious. i got a binder and filled it with thousands of hours of clippings of coupons. i spent outrageous amounts of time at CVS, Walgreens and Rite Aids, “buying” more toothbrushes and deodorant than one would need in a lifetime. (they actually were free but that’s a different post altogether.) i would scan the circulars, sales, you name it. i memorized the lowest prices of ground beef and cheez-its. shopping for sales became my mission in life. i threw myself into it because it a) who doesn’t want free deodorant and b) took my mind off the fact that my baby had died. because that’s the hard truth of infant/pregnancy loss: all of a sudden your world stops and yet the rest of the world keeps on moving. what was supposed to be no longer will, and you are left with an ungodly amount of time on your hands to remind yourself of what will never be. coupons made me get off the couch. coupons made me shower every day. coupons encouraged me to leave the house again. and incidentally coupons built me an amazing stockpile in case the zombie apocalypse happens. i’m good to go. in all seriousness though, i thank god for those thin, flimsy little squares. they saved my life.

back to the day of hope… this time i set myself on making a prayer flag for my babies. i went to JoAnns hoping something would speak to me, jump out and say “THIS! this is perfect.” but nothing. i perused the fabric aisle, running my hand over the ever-so-soft minky fabrics. there was a beautiful handmade baby blanket on display. it was a soft gray minky on one side with blue and white chevron on the other. i let my mind wander and imagined one of my sweet angels wrapped in it, and instantly i wanted to bury my face in it and cry. somehow i took a deep breath and moved on, and in my meanderings i happened to find all that i needed, without crying. i call that a win. i went home and began. i put on some music that i used to play to my babies while in my tummy, and i cut. and glued. and cried. and glued some more. and the end result made me cry even more. but these were tears of happiness, that i had made something tangible to honor what was intangible.

a prayer flag is a piece of fabric often inscribed with words, or mantras, prayers or poems. it is said when you hang up the flag, the breeze takes the prayers and carries them all over the world.

i pray my love finds them up in the clouds, wherever they are. and to all my loss mamas, i pray your heart can find peace. ❤

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