i am deeply touched by all your responses after having taken the leap of faith and “outed” myself as an infertile old bag. honestly, i did not expect to affect so many. it was my wish, but i envisioned this blog would sort of be like a pile of dusty papers at the bottom of a box stashed away in the corner of the garage: the one you pull out from time to time just to remind yourself of its contents before you throw it away. i did not anticipate my whispered words aimlessly floating in cyberspace would touch the hearts of so many already. especially friends and strangers (read: new friends) who too were struggling in silence. i am so glad i started this. and it’s only been 1 day.
i recently have had many people ask me about the IVF process, and i thought now would be a good time for a brief run-down on the unbelievably complex and convoluted way we grow babies in glass dishes. this will be a scientific explanation since we are all academics here.
step 1: find sad infertile old hag with only 1 jacked up fallopian tube and too many miscarriages to count. make sure she has husband with extraordinarily amazing reproductive “contributions” so sad old hag feels utterly responsible for said infertility.
step 1.5: tell old hag to take birth control pills in order to get pregnant. this will trick her eggs into calming the F down and make them ready for the ensuing craziness. this will take about a week and a half.
step 2: trick her ovaries into producing lots of eggs. make infertile hag stab herself repeatedly in the stomach, injecting medication that will stimulate the ovaries into growing multiple eggs, instead of the normal 1 a month. this goes on for days and days. she is really excited.
step 3: subject old hag to the ever-so-comfortable transvaginal ultrasound (read: dildo cam) more times than she ever wanted to, to inspect her eggs on ‘roids and see how they are responding to the meds.
step 4: when the eggs are finally observed to be taking selfies while flexing shirtless in the mirror, old hag gives herself final (hooray!) injection (trigger shot), this time a special medication to prep eggs for ER (egg retrieval).
step 5: approximately 36 hours later, take out the eggs. thankfully old hag will be sipping on Jackson Juice and not remember a thing. thank you in advance Mr. Anesthesiologist.
step 6: that same day, fertilize eggs. amazing husband finally has opportunity to contribute. we will be using ICSI on our eggs, which means a sperm is shoved into each egg, to ensure they fertilize. take no chances people, not a one.
step 7: we now have embryos. hope they continue to divide and grow appropriately for the next 3-5 days in their glass houses. no stones will be thrown.
step 8: the best looking embies win a ticket back to the womb (egg transfer or ET). if we are so lucky to have more than 2 survive the process, they will win a ticket to a cryo chamber, where they will chill until further notice (now called frosties). now amazing husband gets to stab infertile hag in the ass with medication to trick her body into thinking it’s pregnant. old hag is not looking forward to this.
step 9: pray for a miracle that the ET worked and old hag gets pregnant. also pray that old hag gets to stab husband. just once. just to see how it feels.
step 10: pray for continued miracles that old hag STAYS pregnant.
i think we covered everything, no? you might take issue with my use of the word old. or hag. or dildo cam even. (that’s what it IS people.) ok i’ll freely admit i’m not old. i’m 33. but my eggs are freaking old according to my lab results and ultrasounds. so there’s that. i’m essentially pushing 40 here with these eggs. and i am working with 1 tube. another roadblock to overcome. i fully accept the reality that odds are not in our favor. in fact, our odds suck. we are 1 for 5 so far. 20% success. it’s hard to look at that and maintain a glass half full mentality. so instead i fall back on my insanely competitive and immature nature and say to that: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
suck it infertility.