suppression. what an odd term to use right now, when lately i had been willing my body to outwardly express the fact that it was, in fact, pregnant. to be fair, the last 17 months have been full of expression. joy and heartache. shrieks of elation and sobs of devastation. many side-eyes and major eye rolls at big pregnant bellies, and longing caresses of my ever flat, empty belly. unless we can express, we cannot deal. and so i find myself here.
today we begin our IVF journey. holy shit. just typing that out makes me take pause and i find myself holding my breath. i say “we” because even though my body will be enduring 98% of everything associated with this process, my husband is in this too. we are one in this journey, as we have been one in our struggle and one in our grief. having a united front to tackle infertility has been integral to our marriage. i can easily see how infertility can destroy even the strongest of partnerships. it is all-encompassing, all-consuming. your goals shift. priorities are no longer priorities. the financial hardship alone can break a marriage. but we have survived. infertility and losing our babies has unexpectedly brought us closer than ever before. and for that, i am so thankful.
but i digress.
for the last 17 months we have been trying ferociously to have another baby. and we have suffered the loss of four babies now, the last three back to back to back. ironically, our most recent pregnancy this month was a total shock. we were all set to begin IVF this month and for the first time in a LONG time, we weren’t even trying to get pregnant. i had thrown the calendar away. stopped charting, stopped calculating what days we needed to get down and when and how often and just said “fuck it.” and BOOM. two lines on the pee stick. in the past i wanted to throat punch people when they would tell me “just relax! you just need to stop trying and it will happen!” assholes. that’s such a
shitty insensitive thing to tell someone trying to have a baby. “hey you! stop trying for what your heart desires! then you might actually get it!” it’s like saying “hey, don’t work really hard for that promotion. it will just land in your lap!” except with infertility you don’t get rewarded for hard work. you still get kicked in the teeth.
but maybe they were on to something with the “relax” bullshit. but i will never admit that to them. nope. not. ever.
again, i digress. fast-forward to appointment with Reproductive Endocrinologist (read: magical fertility doc) Tuesday. he says miscarrying right now actually helps us time IVF and we can start now.
which brings me to today. officially starting my suppression cycle. took my first BCP this morning and with that, the first step towards our miracle. feels bizarre to be taking birth control to try to have a baby, but let’s be honest people… i’ll eat stinging jellyfish naked while standing on my head if it means i can take home a baby.