it’s okay not to be okay.

Ink (Used)

these words speak volumes tonight. i was asked by a good friend today if i was “okay.” :::takes deep breath:::

i know we’ve only just met. so forgive me for starting out uncomfortably deep. but it’s true: i’m NOT okay. not even close. sure, i’m here: in the present. i’m surviving. i wake up. shower. eat. feed the dog. attempt to be present for my child. make sure said child stays fed, dry, and out of the electric outlets. work. school. bills. attempt to be present for amazing husband. clean. more work. rinse and repeat. i’m treading water, miraculously. but is struggling to swim “okay”? is “surviving” a way to live? how does one stay afloat in the tidal wave of grief?

i am reeling from just losing my fourth baby. i’m NOT okay. i was so very blessed with what appears to now be a miracle child, my son, back in 2012. don’t get me wrong, i thank god each and every day for allowing me to be his sweetie mama. he is the light of my life. but as time ticks on, the dream for our family-yet-to-be-realized burns a deeper hole in my heart with each subsequent loss. and with each loss the highs are higher and the lows cut deeper than ever before. i am reeling. spinning like a top without a clear purpose or direction. and i’m NOT okay.

i will go into my dark rabbit hole of infertility and pregnancy loss later, as no one wants to start off with the raw, jagged edges of repeated soul-stabbing loss. i don’t want to lose all 4 of my followers with the first post. but on the same hand i am WHO i am because of that struggle, and truly, the entire reason i am compelled to blog stems from that broken part of my soul. ugh. i really hate that term “blog.” it sounds so stagnant and greasy. in all honesty, it is important to me to share with you my story. the story of my children. because they were alive. and they still live within my heart. and though not of this earth today, i honor them by sharing with others the imprint they left on my life. but more importantly, i honor them by building a community around me where the stigma of infant and pregnancy loss is eradicated. because we all know “it” happens. if you are like me, a woman in her 30’s, you’d be hard-pressed to not know someone who has suffered a loss. but it is often and quickly swept under the rug. it’s uncomfortable.

i want to break the silence. it’s NOT okay. it helps no one.

so here i am, at 12:30AM replaying this song “who you are” by jessie j (no judging) 19238263 times, which probably was written about self-image and loving yourself no matter what society says and here i find it completely applicable to the grieving mother instead of the pimple faced teenager struggling to fit in.

“seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing, it’s okay not to be okay.”

amen sister.

4 thoughts on “it’s okay not to be okay.

  1. Aww what an honest and beautiful post. It is definitely ok not to be ok. God knows our hearts and just wants us to draw near to Him in whatever we are going through. I love psalm 139 for reminding me how much God thinks about us 🙂 thank you for sharing!

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  2. BEAUTIFULLY Written Jodee, I am so sorry for your heartache, I had no idea you were going through these terrible losses, you are a very very strong girl, you always have been. Ands its DEFINITELY OK NOT TO BE OK! With all your doing on top of all this, its crazy overwhelming and I admire you for putting it all out there. Your truly amazing….

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  3. Pregnancy loss can just suck it. No two ways about it. It pains me that such a wonderful person, and an incredible mother, is having such a journey.

    That second paragraph… that pretty much sums up my experience. Only you put it into words better than I ever could.

    Now off to see what that song us…

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